“The Doors”
Starring Val Kilmer, Directed by Oliver Stone, all by myself in an empty theater high on acid.
Awesome movie, awesome experience!
Best jokes
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Something for you… yea you
A Jewish person, an American and a Canadian were riding in a car together and were involved in a very bad accident. The ambulance took them all to hospital together but they were just barely alive…as a matter of fact all three expired in the same operating room while doctors were working on them.
Suddenly the three of them appeared in the clouds at St. Peters Gate and as they approached, St. Peter gestured to the American and said, “If you give me fifty dollars I’ll send you back…you are too young to be up here so soon.”
The American whipped out fifty bucks and…poof! He jumped off the operating table in perfect conition! Not a scratch on him. The doctors were amazed and asked him how come?
He said that all he knew is that the three of them were “up there” with St. Peter and when St. Peter asked him for fifty bucks to send him back…he paid it and…poof! Here he was!
The doctors couldn’t help but be amazed and asked him, “You say those other two were up there with you?” (They were on the next two operating tables in the room) The American said “Yes they were.”
The doctors then asked him, “Well what about them? Are they coming back too? What were they doing when you left?”
The American said, “Well, all I can say is when I looked back at them just before I left the Jew was arguing about the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his!”
Top 9 Reasons to be from Québec
1)You cant beleive that a cashier in Ontario speaks french too!
2)Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada
3)The only province/territory to ever kidnap federal politicians
4)The only province/territory to use terrorist tactics
5)NON-smokers are the outcasts
6)You can blame all your problems on the “Anglo bastards”
7)Your Poutine doesn’t look like dung on your fries
8)Your hockey team is made up entirely of dirty French guys
9)The province with the oldest, nastiest hookers -
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too.
Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. “Because I am not an American.”
“Then”, asks the teacher, “what are you?”
“I’m a proud Canadian,” boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian. “Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I’m a Canadian too.”
The teacher is now angry. “That’s no reason,” she says loudly. “What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?”
A pause, and a smile. “Then,” says Kristen, “I’d be an American.”
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That last one was fun.
The Quebec one - well, it’s not so funny as it is too true. You kind of just posted a small list of things that one finds when they are in Quebec (well - except for Hull, Montreal, etc.) -
@cystic:
@Imperious:
and i thought that was gonna balance the French jokes a bit which are far more tasteless. But they are still funny IMO. A bit of sweet and sour
given the anti-French sentiment on this board and unwillingness by anyone to address it, i’ve given up banging my head against the wall here.
Perhaps there’s a reason for the anti-French sentiment found in the world today, CC? Perhaps it’s not the world that is at fault. Perhaps it is the world that is at fault. Either way, I really think the French need to figure out why - since WWII - they’ve been seen in bad light both on the cultural and military level. Even if they determine, through their open minded self examination, that it’s not their fault. (Much like that geek in elementary school determines that the entire school is picking on him or her for no reason….it can’t be because s/he doesnt fit in, right?)
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Q: How do you fit 50 Cubans in a cardboard box?
A: You tell them it floats. -
Perhaps there’s a reason for the anti-French sentiment found in the world today, CC?
(1) USA =NOT= world.
(2) And, you would be surprised. The world does not have an anti-French sentiment. It has an anti-USA-sentiment.Even if they determine, through their open minded self examination, that it’s not their fault. (Much like that geek in elementary school determines that the entire school is picking on him or her for no reason….it can’t be because s/he doesnt fit in, right?)
Now, read again the corrections to the first and second mistake you made.
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Falk, Jen, CC; shove it. Can you people ever stop fighting like a bunch of three year olds? You manage to turn any thread you wish into a personal vendetta against each other, and speaking on behalf of most of the forums (unless they wish to correct me), it’s pathetic.
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exactly! please just the comedy here and please leave your other problems at the door. You can explain your problems with the valet attendant after he is tipped.
I would remove Jennifer from that list however…
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During the Clinton Administration I had an extremely good and well paying job. I took numerous vacations and had several vacation homes. Since President Bush took office, I have watched my entire life change for the worse. I lost my job. I lost my two sons in that terrible Iraqi War. I lost my homes. I lost my health insurance. As a matter of fact I lost virtually everything and became homeless. Adding insult to injury, when the authorities found me living like an animal, instead of helping me, they arrested me. I will do anything to insure that a Democrat is back in the White House in 2008. Bush has to go.
Sincerely,
Saddam Hussein
JIHAD HUMOR - MUSLIM JOKES by stand-up comic Goffaq Yussef.
Good evening gentlemen, and get out, ladies.
On my flight to New York there must have been a Jew in the bathroom the entire time. There was a sign on the door that said “occupied.”
What do you say to a Muslim woman with two black eyes? Nothing! You told her twice already!
How many Palestinians does it take to change a light bulb? None! They sit in the dark forever and blame the Jews for it!
Did you hear about the Broadway play, The Palestinians ? It bombed!
What do you call a first-time offender in Saudi Arabia? Lefty!
Did you hear about the Muslim strip club? It features full facial nudity!
Why do Palestinians find it convenient to live on the West Bank? Because just a stone’s throw from Israel!
Why are Palestinian boys luckier than American boys? Because every Palestinian boy will get to join a rock group!
A small plane carrying Yassir Arafat and all his top lieutenants crashes and all aboard are killed. Who is saved? The Palestinian people!
A Palestinian suspect was being grilled by Israeli police. “Honest, I’m not a suicide bomber,” he said. “I didn’t say I wanted to blow myself up so I could sleep with 72 virgins. All I said was I’m dying to get laid!”
What does the sign say above the nursery in a Palestinian maternity ward? “Live ammunition.”
A Palestinian girl says to her mommy, “After Abdul blows up, can I have his room?”
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A priest had lost his cock (Male hen) and didn’t know where to find it. So at the sermon next day he asked, “Has anybody got the cock?” All the men stood up.
“No! no! I mean has anybody seen the cock?” All the women folk stood up.
“No! no! I mean has anybody seen my cock?” All the nuns stood up.
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An old Jewish beggar was out on the street, begging with his tin cup. A man passed by and the beggar said to the man, “Sir, could you spare 3 cents for a cup of coffee?”And the man said, “Where do get coffee for 3 cents?”
And the beggar said, “Who buys retail?”
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These are pretty sick…
Q: Why did the little girl fall off the swing?
A: Because she had no arms.Q: How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?
A: Pick him up and suck his d*ck.EEeeeewwwww… :-(
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@F_alk:
Perhaps there’s a reason for the anti-French sentiment found in the world today, CC?
(1) USA =NOT= world.
(2) And, you would be surprised. The world does not have an anti-French sentiment. It has an anti-USA-sentiment. Even if they determine, through their open minded self examination, that it’s not their fault. (Much like that geek in elementary school determines that the entire school is picking on him or her for no reason….it can’t be because s/he doesnt fit in, right?)
Now, read again the corrections to the first and second mistake you made.
Falk, I wish you would stop with this kind of thing. Maybe in your socialist world some those people may not dislike the French, but the majority of people do. This is not something to argue about, you are wrong. I have met 100s of people throughout the world and almost every single one of them have had nothing nice to say about the French. Hey, go on an international chat room and ask what people think of the french.
If you believe otherwise you are living in a fantasy world. As with anything that does not match what you believe, you go into denial.
You are also right about people not liking Americans, that’s all fine and good. But you are insane to think that the vast majority of the world has anything but disdain for the French, and deserevedly so.
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Falk, Jen, CC; shove it. Can you people ever stop fighting like a bunch of three year olds? You manage to turn any thread you wish into a personal vendetta against each other, and speaking on behalf of most of the forums (unless they wish to correct me), it’s pathetic.
So i find jokes about people who get killed by firebombing tasteless. I’m not caring that you have a problem with this.
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If you find a post offensive, message the offending person and tell him so, or even go so far as to report it to a mod. But no one here cares how it makes you “feel,” and we don’t you need you posting on the thread to let everyone know how offended you are.
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If you find a post offensive, message the offending person and tell him so, or even go so far as to report it to a mod. But no one here cares how it makes you “feel,” and we don’t you need you posting on the thread to let everyone know how offended you are.
Last time i took a USie by this word and replied in kind, the thread got closed after the worst of that pack started to flame like the idiots they are.
So, the USies do “care about they themselves feel”, but somehow for the rest of the world it is not allowed to care for their own feelings.If you really think so “get intercourse” … and best: complain about “double standards against the US” and “hipocrisy”, that makes it all much more believable. -
If you find a post offensive, message the offending person and tell him so, or even go so far as to report it to a mod. But no one here cares how it makes you “feel,” and we don’t you need you posting on the thread to let everyone know how offended you are.
gee
tell me how this makes you feel?
oh yeah - you already did.
and i still don’t care. -
Awesome jokes guys… I cant stop laughing :-D :x
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This is for Falk… hopefully he will smile for a change-
How many Amerikans does it take to prosecute a sex crime?
Answer: 535–435 in the House, 100 in the SenateHow do Republicans reduce unemployment?
Answer: By prosecuting oral sex.How do Republicans increase unemployment?
Answer: They cut spending on Monica Lewinsky.How many times did employers fire Saddam Hussein?
Answer: Only once, the CIA paid for the rest of his work.How many wives does the average Amerikan husband have?
Answer: 10, 1 at home and 9 in Utah.How does the Amerikan womyn avoid the singles bar scene?
Answer: She marries her kidnapper.How many Amerikans does it take to catch and prosecute child-abusing polygamists?
Answer: No one knows: it’s never been tried.How many Amerikans does it take to buy a gallon of gas?
Answer: 250,000 to seize it and one to pump it.Why do Amerikan wars always come in twos?
Answer: The first one creates terrorists and the second one does too. -
Time and again in the last two centuries, France has refused to come to grips with its diminished status as a country whose greatest general was a foreigner, whose greatest warrior was a teenage girl, and whose last great military victory came on the plains of Wagram in 1809.
- John J. Miller and Mark Molesky, “Our Oldest Enemy”The French are revolting. This is not a subjective judgment but a statement of fact.
Pakistanis may dislike and mistrust the Americans at the moment, but that’s as nought compared with what they think about the Indians. They really, really properly hate Indians. Indeed, hating Indians is almost a defining patriotic characteristic of being Pakistani.
- AA Gill, “The London Times”The Japanese take snapshots of everything, not just everything famous but everything. Back in Tokyo there must be a billion colour slides of street corners, phone booths, fire hydrants and overhead electrical wires. What are the Japanese doing with all these pictures? Its probably a question we should have asked before Pearl Harbour.
“France, home to the world’s greatest painters, chefs and anti-Semites. The French, cowardly yet opinionated, arrogant yet foul-smelling, anti-Israel, anti-American, and of course, as always, Jew-hating. Paris, the city of whores, dog feces on every corner, and effete men yelling anti-Semitic remarks at childern. The real creme de la creme of world culture. With all that’s going on in the world, isn’t it time we got back to hating … the French?”
- Saturday Night Live
More for CC-
“So you’re French and Canadian, yes? So you’re obnoxious and dull? You’re in North America, learn the language!”
- Triumph the Insult Dog is let loose in Quebec by Conan O’Brien on “Late Night”
“Don’t mind her: she’s French-Canadian. Some days she’s Canadian and can be quite pleasant. Today she’s obviously French.”
- from “Vertical Limit”
The conscientious Canadian critic is one who subscribes to the New York Times so that he knows first hand what his opinion should be.
- Eric Nicol, 1968
Americans are benevolently ignorant about Canada, while Canadians are malevolently well informed about the United States.
- J. Bartlett Brebner
“Canada has at last produced a political leader worthy of assassination.”
- Irving Layton about Pierre Trudeau
“He has a French name, he thinks like an Englishman, and he looks like an Indian. We all feel very guilty about the Indians here in Canada.”
- Marshall McLuhan, explaining Pierre Trudeau’s longevity in Canadian politicsFor some reason a glaze passes over people’s faces when you say “Canada”. Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something.
- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to the U.S.
God has made Canada one of those nations which cannot be conquered and cannot be destroyed, except by itself.
- Norman Angell, “Canada’s Best Service for British Ideals” (1913)
Canadian consumers race across the border to buy the kind of cheap goods that a country with low wages and a third-rate social security system can produce. So empty are their lives, apparently, that a three-hour lineup of cars at the border coming back is viewed as an acceptable trade-off.
- Charles Gordon
“If I had a dollar for every time I had 60 cents I would be Canada.”
- caption from a “Toothpaste for Dinner” cartoon
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Falk: I don’t believe I have ever flamed you. So accusing people with whom I share a country of being hypocrites, and therefore disregarding my requests to stick to the subject is, frankly, stupid.
CC: Are you incapable of seeing how silly and childish you sound? Am I talking to a wall here? Oh, forget it. Mods, do me a favor and delete every non-joke post here, including my own, please.
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