Description of House Rules to a tee…

  • Moderator

    OK, I have to give honor where honor is due. This was originally posted by someone over at the Caspian Sub board, I DID NOT WRITE THIS!

    That being said, it still remains one of the best descriptions of house rules ever to surface on the interwebs. Enjoy… GG

    House Rules
    Author Unknown
    Oleg: Alright, let’s get the game on. Do you guys use any house rules around here?
    Jorge: Well, pretty much just the basic rule changes with a couple of modifications.
    Oleg: Let’s hear it.
    Jorge: Do you use Smith’s ‘Paratrooper Rules’?
    Oleg: Sure.
    Jorge: Ok, we do too. We also put a little twist on it. If all of Germany’s planes are destroyed then they are able to build the 'Visigoth Catapult’. It allows one infantry to be launched up to 3 spaces away. They fire for a round and then die.
    Oleg: Oh, kind of like Kaiten Torpedoes.
    Jorge: Kind of, only this is cooler. This is the ‘Visigoth Catapult’.
    Oleg: Ok. Anything else?
    Jorge: Yes. We didn’t think there were enough spaces in the board once the Allies get to Germany so we use the Holy Roman Empire expansion map.
    Oleg: Fiefdoms of 1157AD or fiefdoms of 1036AD?
    Jorge: Man, around here you won’t find ANYONE using the fiefdoms of 1157. That map is retarded.
    Oleg: [Under his breath] you’re retarded! That map is sweet…
    Oleg: Good enough. What else?
    Jorge: Once per game the German player may call upon the Dread Lord Cthulhu and a Shroud of Darkness descends on Europe. The SOD imparts a spiritual malaise to the whole region.
    Oleg: Shroud of Darkness. Check.
    Jorge: When the SOD is in place the Allied player can only roll using the black dice.
    Oleg: Is there anything special about the black dice?
    Jorge: Yes. They’re black.
    Oleg: …
    Oleg: …
    Oleg: …
    Oleg: …
    Oleg: …ok.
    Jorge: The SOD can be lifted only when a Russian Orthodox Priest enters into battle bearing the Bane of Orem B’Shamba.
    Oleg: Bane of Orem B’Shamba. Got it.
    Jorge: Other than that we just use the standard rule mods.
    Oleg: ‘Return of Merlin’?
    Jorge: Yup.
    Oleg: ‘Prester John’s Hip Hop Kingdom’?
    Jorge: Yup. There’s no other way to get Rhodesia into the game. What about ‘Benito Mussolini: Lord of the Dance’ and ‘Hermann Goering’s Pilonidal Cyst’?
    Oleg: Both of them, sure. I hear that Avalon Hill and Sony are going to come out with a game for PS2 called ‘Il Duce’s Dance Dance Revolution’.
    Jorge: I’d buy that for sure! What about Team Leyner rules like ‘Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros’ and ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Children of a Lesser God’?
    Oleg: We usually skip that rule set. It’s a little too much Milli and not enough Vanili, if you know what I mean.
    Jorge: Um… yeah. Yeah, totally. I get your point. Waaaay too much Milli.
    Oleg: Do you do anything with the convoy rules? Like the mod ‘Das Booty Call’?
    Jorge: Not really.
    Oleg: Ok, I can live without it.
    Jorge: What about ‘Ninja Guy’? Do you guys use ‘Ninja Guy’?
    Oleg: Oh yeah! We love ‘Ninja Guy’! Who do you know that doesn’t use ‘Ninja Guy’?
    Jorge: My cousin, Eustace.
    Oleg: Dude’s confused.
    Jorge: Dude’s name is Eustace. Not using ‘Ninja Guy’ is the least of his problems.
    Oleg: True that.
    Jorge: Ok, what about ‘Billy Joel: Panzer Commander’?
    Oleg: Yes, and ‘Liza Live: Can’t Stop that Freedom!’.
    Jorge: Lately we’ve been using ‘The Preincarnation of the Village People’, where a singing cowboy, construction worker, Indian chief, sailor, policeman, and leather guy all travel back in time to fight Hitler, armed only with luxurious mustachios and funkitude’.
    Oleg: I’m cool with that one. How about ‘It’s the Third Reich, Charlie Brown’?
    Jorge: We only use it if we’re also using ‘The Muppets Take Manila’ and ‘Willy Wonka at War: Oompa Loompa Factory’.
    Oleg: I’m good with that. What about ‘Run DMC versus Tojo’ and ‘Turn your Head and Cough, Dwight Eisenhower’?
    Jorge: Always. And also ‘Yentl Ends Auschwitz’.
    Oleg: Fine. What about ‘Let the Machines Hear us Dance!’, wherein we learn that all of WWII was nothing but a sim run inside the Matrix by Neo and Morpheus just before the rave in Zion?
    Jorge: YES! YES! I love that mod! That’s my favorite mod!
    Oleg: Well, it sounds like we have a game. Let’s set up the board.
    Jorge: Yeah, I’ll explain the other rules as we go along.
    Oleg: Cool.
    Jorge: Alright, I forget how many infantry start in Ukraine?
    Oleg: Four.
    Jorge: Thanks.

  • Liaison TripleA '11 '10

    Sounds like the alpha setups

  • '10

    Awesome…  too true

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