Description of House Rules to a tee…
OK, I have to give honor where honor is due. This was originally posted by someone over at the Caspian Sub board, I DID NOT WRITE THIS!
That being said, it still remains one of the best descriptions of house rules ever to surface on the interwebs. Enjoy… GG
Oleg: Alright, let’s get the game on. Do you guys use any house rules around here?
Jorge: Well, pretty much just the basic rule changes with a couple of modifications.
Oleg: Let’s hear it.
Jorge: Do you use Smith’s ‘Paratrooper Rules’?
Jorge: Ok, we do too. We also put a little twist on it. If all of Germany’s planes are destroyed then they are able to build the 'Visigoth Catapult’. It allows one infantry to be launched up to 3 spaces away. They fire for a round and then die.
Oleg: Oh, kind of like Kaiten Torpedoes.
Jorge: Kind of, only this is cooler. This is the ‘Visigoth Catapult’.
Oleg: Ok. Anything else?
Jorge: Yes. We didn’t think there were enough spaces in the board once the Allies get to Germany so we use the Holy Roman Empire expansion map.
Oleg: Fiefdoms of 1157AD or fiefdoms of 1036AD?
Jorge: Man, around here you won’t find ANYONE using the fiefdoms of 1157. That map is retarded.
Oleg: [Under his breath] you’re retarded! That map is sweet…
Oleg: Good enough. What else?
Jorge: Once per game the German player may call upon the Dread Lord Cthulhu and a Shroud of Darkness descends on Europe. The SOD imparts a spiritual malaise to the whole region.
Oleg: Shroud of Darkness. Check.
Jorge: When the SOD is in place the Allied player can only roll using the black dice.
Oleg: Is there anything special about the black dice?
Jorge: Yes. They’re black.
Jorge: The SOD can be lifted only when a Russian Orthodox Priest enters into battle bearing the Bane of Orem B’Shamba.
Oleg: Bane of Orem B’Shamba. Got it.
Jorge: Other than that we just use the standard rule mods.
Oleg: ‘Return of Merlin’?
Oleg: ‘Prester John’s Hip Hop Kingdom’?
Jorge: Yup. There’s no other way to get Rhodesia into the game. What about ‘Benito Mussolini: Lord of the Dance’ and ‘Hermann Goering’s Pilonidal Cyst’?
Oleg: Both of them, sure. I hear that Avalon Hill and Sony are going to come out with a game for PS2 called ‘Il Duce’s Dance Dance Revolution’.
Jorge: I’d buy that for sure! What about Team Leyner rules like ‘Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros’ and ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Children of a Lesser God’?
Oleg: We usually skip that rule set. It’s a little too much Milli and not enough Vanili, if you know what I mean.
Jorge: Um… yeah. Yeah, totally. I get your point. Waaaay too much Milli.
Oleg: Do you do anything with the convoy rules? Like the mod ‘Das Booty Call’?
Jorge: Not really.
Oleg: Ok, I can live without it.
Jorge: What about ‘Ninja Guy’? Do you guys use ‘Ninja Guy’?
Oleg: Oh yeah! We love ‘Ninja Guy’! Who do you know that doesn’t use ‘Ninja Guy’?
Jorge: My cousin, Eustace.
Oleg: Dude’s confused.
Jorge: Dude’s name is Eustace. Not using ‘Ninja Guy’ is the least of his problems.
Oleg: True that.
Jorge: Ok, what about ‘Billy Joel: Panzer Commander’?
Oleg: Yes, and ‘Liza Live: Can’t Stop that Freedom!’.
Jorge: Lately we’ve been using ‘The Preincarnation of the Village People’, where a singing cowboy, construction worker, Indian chief, sailor, policeman, and leather guy all travel back in time to fight Hitler, armed only with luxurious mustachios and funkitude’.
Oleg: I’m cool with that one. How about ‘It’s the Third Reich, Charlie Brown’?
Jorge: We only use it if we’re also using ‘The Muppets Take Manila’ and ‘Willy Wonka at War: Oompa Loompa Factory’.
Oleg: I’m good with that. What about ‘Run DMC versus Tojo’ and ‘Turn your Head and Cough, Dwight Eisenhower’?
Jorge: Always. And also ‘Yentl Ends Auschwitz’.
Oleg: Fine. What about ‘Let the Machines Hear us Dance!’, wherein we learn that all of WWII was nothing but a sim run inside the Matrix by Neo and Morpheus just before the rave in Zion?
Jorge: YES! YES! I love that mod! That’s my favorite mod!
Oleg: Well, it sounds like we have a game. Let’s set up the board.
Jorge: Yeah, I’ll explain the other rules as we go along.
Jorge: Alright, I forget how many infantry start in Ukraine?
Sounds like the alpha setups
Awesome… too true