I knew this was going to be Monty Python, but figured it would be from “And Now for Something Completely Different”.
Joke
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A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, “All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off right now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we’re going down the tracks.”
The mother went nuts and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.”
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, “All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.” She hears the little boy continue, “For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.”
As the mother began to smile, the child added, “For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.”
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nice :lol:
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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
“What’s the matter, dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room.
“Why are you down here at this time of night?”
The husband looks up from his coffee, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?” he asks solemnly. “Yes, I do” she replies. The husband pauses; the words were not coming easily.
“Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car”
“Yes, I remember” said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued… “Do you remember ! when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I’ll send you to jail for 20 years?”
“I remember that too” she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, “I would have been released today”.
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did you great grand paappy tell you that one? still funny though.
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You all have probably heard this one but it’s a good one.
A soldier was traveling southbound on a two lane highway at 0400 on a Saturday. It was very icy as it had been for several days prior. This was the first time in several days the weather had lifted so the soldier thought it would be best to use the time to get back to post from a long well deserved stint of leave.
A Marine Corporal was traveling Northbound on the same highway for the same reasons as the soldier. When passing one another the cars both spun out of control and hit each other.
Both the soldier and the Marine get out of the cars unhurt by the experience retrieve their appropriate information to exchange. The soldier asks the Marine “Are you all right?†The Marine replied “affirmative and your self?†The soldier also replied he was alright. They exchanged paper work wile managing to say very little to each other. They both sat on the trunks of their cars and proceeded to wait for the local law enforcement.
After some time had passed the Soldier said “I called 911 on my cell phone it shouldn’t be to long now.†The Marine nodded his head. The soldier then said you know it’s probably a miracle that we were both unharmed. Me being stationed so far south and you so far north what are the chances of us ever meeting? The Marine said probably very little. The solder said I think we should start a friendship after this traumatic event that could make us great friends and help us cross the barrier that each branch has with one another. The Marine becoming enthusiastic with the soldiers proposal asked how he planned to accomplish that. The soldier replied well I do have a little Jack Daniel’s left we could drink. The Marine very enthusiastic now took the bottle out of the soldiers hand and proceeded to take a good chug off the bottle leaving very little in it. He held it into the soldiers face and said here it’s your turn. The soldier replied “No, I think I’ll wait for the police to arrive.â€
(I know it’s supposed to be an Airman dogging a soldier but I can’t do that to my own branch.)
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Q: How do you tell a Canadian tourist from an American tourist in Europe?
A: The Canadian tourist has a 1 inch canadian flag sewn into their backpack. The American tourist has a 1 foot canadian flag sewn into theirs.
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Q: How do you tell a Canadian tourist from an American tourist in Europe?
A: The Canadian tourist has a 1 inch canadian flag sewn into their backpack. The American tourist has a 1 foot canadian flag sewn into theirs.
I don’t get it :?
Must be a canadian joke -
@AJGundam:
Q: How do you tell a Canadian tourist from an American tourist in Europe?
A: The Canadian tourist has a 1 inch canadian flag sewn into their backpack. The American tourist has a 1 foot canadian flag sewn into theirs.
I don’t get it :?
Must be a canadian jokeonly a FAT american could not understand that joke. :roll: :wink: hope that helps, not very funny though
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@AJGundam:
Q: How do you tell a Canadian tourist from an American tourist in Europe?
A: The Canadian tourist has a 1 inch canadian flag sewn into their backpack. The American tourist has a 1 foot canadian flag sewn into theirs.
I don’t get it :?
Must be a canadian jokeonly a FAT american could not understand that joke. :roll: :wink: hope that helps, not very funny though
You know…I didn’t even think of it that way.
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Well, I think it speeks to the fact that alot of Americans touring europe try to pass them selves off as Canadians or Ausies because they heard that it will get them better treatment. I think it’s kind of an inside joke and it only works if you’ve been in the right hostels.
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Dzertfish nailed it. 8 years ago I spent 4 months touring the UK and I did meet a few American travelers with canadian flags on their backpacks. And the flags they had WERE larger than the one I had (though not 1 foot :-P )
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You might have seen this before:
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force
pilots § and the replies from the servicing (S)crews.§ Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire§ Test flight OK, except autoland very rough,
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft§ #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid,
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal  #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal
seepage§ Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit§ Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed§ DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level§ Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on order§ Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground§ IFF inoperative
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode§ Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
(S) That’s what they’re there for§ Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search§ Aircraft handles funny
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, “fly right” and be serious§ Target Radar hums
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words -
I still chuckle every time I read those.
Reminds me a list (long since lost to me many computers ago) from an general aviation magazine.
The big spinny thing at the front of the aircraft is just a fan to keep the pilot cool, because when it stops he really starts to sweat.
Helicopters do not actually fly, they are just so ugly the earth repels them.
Any landing you can walk away from is a good landing. Any landing after which you can re-use the aircraft is a GREAT landing.
Sadly, those are the only ones I remember…
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Can’t help myself …
A young girl is sitting on the edge of a cliff, crying. A man sees her, and, of course, goes to see what is wrong.
“Hey, what’s the matter?” The girl sniffs and looks up.
“My dad just drove the car over the cliff, and now he’s dead!”
“Oh!” Says the man, “that’s terrible. But what about your mother?”
“She was in the car too! I have no-one to look after me!”
The man unbuckles his belt and starts to pull down his trousers.
“Really not your lucky day, is it?”
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