Best jokes



  • @Wargaming_nut:

    Falk, Jen, CC; shove it. Can you people ever stop fighting like a bunch of three year olds? You manage to turn any thread you wish into a personal vendetta against each other, and speaking on behalf of most of the forums (unless they wish to correct me), it’s pathetic.

    So i find jokes about people who get killed by firebombing tasteless.  I’m not caring that you have a problem with this.



  • If you find a post offensive, message the offending person and tell him so, or even go so far as to report it to a mod. But no one here cares how it makes you “feel,” and we don’t you need you posting on the thread to let everyone know how offended you are.



  • @Wargaming_nut:

    If you find a post offensive, message the offending person and tell him so, or even go so far as to report it to a mod. But no one here cares how it makes you “feel,” and we don’t you need you posting on the thread to let everyone know how offended you are.

    Last time i took a USie by this word and replied in kind, the thread got closed after the worst of that pack started to flame like the idiots they are.
    So, the USies do “care about they themselves feel”, but somehow for the rest of the world it is not allowed to care for their own feelings.If you really think so “get intercourse” … and best: complain about “double standards against the US” and “hipocrisy”, that makes it all much more believable.



  • @Wargaming_nut:

    If you find a post offensive, message the offending person and tell him so, or even go so far as to report it to a mod. But no one here cares how it makes you “feel,” and we don’t you need you posting on the thread to let everyone know how offended you are.

    gee
    tell me how this makes you feel?
    oh yeah - you already did.
    and i still don’t care.


  • 2017 '16 '15 Organizer '14 Customizer '13 '12 '11 '10

    Awesome jokes guys…  I cant stop laughing  😄 :x


  • 2017 '16 '15 Organizer '14 Customizer '13 '12 '11 '10

    This is for Falk… hopefully he will smile for a change-

    How many Amerikans does it take to prosecute a sex crime?
    Answer: 535–435 in the House, 100 in the Senate

    How do Republicans reduce unemployment?
    Answer: By prosecuting oral sex.

    How do Republicans increase unemployment?
    Answer: They cut spending on Monica Lewinsky.

    How many times did employers fire Saddam Hussein?
    Answer: Only once, the CIA paid for the rest of his work.

    How many wives does the average Amerikan husband have?
    Answer: 10, 1 at home and 9 in Utah.

    How does the Amerikan womyn avoid the singles bar scene?
    Answer: She marries her kidnapper.

    How many Amerikans does it take to catch and prosecute child-abusing polygamists?
    Answer: No one knows: it’s never been tried.

    How many Amerikans does it take to buy a gallon of gas?
    Answer: 250,000 to seize it and one to pump it.

    Why do Amerikan wars always come in twos?
    Answer: The first one creates terrorists and the second one does too.


  • 2017 '16 '15 Organizer '14 Customizer '13 '12 '11 '10

    Time and again in the last two centuries, France has refused to come to grips with its diminished status as a country whose greatest general was a foreigner, whose greatest warrior was a teenage girl, and whose last great military victory came on the plains of Wagram in 1809.
            - John J. Miller and Mark Molesky, “Our Oldest Enemy”

    The French are revolting. This is not a subjective judgment but a statement of fact.

    Pakistanis may dislike and mistrust the Americans at the moment, but that’s as nought compared with what they think about the Indians. They really, really properly hate Indians. Indeed, hating Indians is almost a defining patriotic characteristic of being Pakistani.
            - AA Gill, “The London Times”

    The Japanese take snapshots of everything, not just everything famous but everything. Back in Tokyo there must be a billion colour slides of street corners, phone booths, fire hydrants and overhead electrical wires. What are the Japanese doing with all these pictures? Its probably a question we should have asked before Pearl Harbour.

    “France, home to the world’s greatest painters, chefs and anti-Semites. The French, cowardly yet opinionated, arrogant yet foul-smelling, anti-Israel, anti-American, and of course, as always, Jew-hating. Paris, the city of whores, dog feces on every corner, and effete men yelling anti-Semitic remarks at childern. The real creme de la creme of world culture. With all that’s going on in the world, isn’t it time we got back to hating … the French?”

    - Saturday Night Live

    More for CC-

    “So you’re French and Canadian, yes? So you’re obnoxious and dull? You’re in North America, learn the language!”

    - Triumph the Insult Dog is let loose in Quebec by Conan O’Brien on “Late Night”

    “Don’t mind her: she’s French-Canadian. Some days she’s Canadian and can be quite pleasant. Today she’s obviously French.”

    - from “Vertical Limit”

    The conscientious Canadian critic is one who subscribes to the New York Times so that he knows first hand what his opinion should be.

    - Eric Nicol, 1968

    Americans are benevolently ignorant about Canada, while Canadians are malevolently well informed about the United States.

    • J. Bartlett Brebner

    “Canada has at last produced a political leader worthy of assassination.”

    • Irving Layton about Pierre Trudeau

    “He has a French name, he thinks like an Englishman, and he looks like an Indian. We all feel very guilty about the Indians here in Canada.”
            - Marshall McLuhan, explaining Pierre Trudeau’s longevity in Canadian politics

    For some reason a glaze passes over people’s faces when you say “Canada”. Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something.

    • Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to the U.S.

    God has made Canada one of those nations which cannot be conquered and cannot be destroyed, except by itself.

    • Norman Angell, “Canada’s Best Service for British Ideals” (1913)

    Canadian consumers race across the border to buy the kind of cheap goods that a country with low wages and a third-rate social security system can produce. So empty are their lives, apparently, that a three-hour lineup of cars at the border coming back is viewed as an acceptable trade-off.

    • Charles Gordon

    “If I had a dollar for every time I had 60 cents I would be Canada.”

    - caption from a “Toothpaste for Dinner” cartoon



  • Falk: I don’t believe I have ever flamed you. So accusing people with whom I share a country of being hypocrites, and therefore disregarding my requests to stick to the subject is, frankly, stupid.

    CC: Are you incapable of seeing how silly and childish you sound? Am I talking to a wall here? Oh, forget it. Mods, do me a favor and delete every non-joke post here, including my own, please.



  • Thank you nut.  I think that’s the direction people need to go.  How come when an issue gets off-subject, the mods delete it or move it.  But when it’s something like this, where people can get offended (one of the greatest cop-outs of our society by the way)  especially when one or more of the mods put in their two cents, then the filtering process simply goes away.  Just because you’re getting pissed about an issue, that doesn’t mean that you can quit doing what mods do!  :x



  • @AgentOrange:

    Thank you nut.  I think that’s the direction people need to go.   How come when an issue gets off-subject, the mods delete it or move it.  But when it’s something like this, where people can get offended (one of the greatest cop-outs of our society by the way)  especially when one or more of the mods put in their two cents, then the filtering process simply goes away.  Just because you’re getting pissed about an issue, that doesn’t mean that you can quit doing what mods do!  :x

    i’m not modding.
    if i did i would delete every racist “joke” i saw here.
    And 'Nut - you started getting personal with:

    Falk, Jen, CC; shove it. Can you people ever stop fighting like a bunch of three year olds? You manage to turn any thread you wish into a personal vendetta against each other, and speaking on behalf of most of the forums (unless they wish to correct me), it’s pathetic.

    in response to a “joke” i made regarding another “joke”.
    So here - have another helping of my poo - maybe that will keep your mouth shut.  (did you like that joke?  not quite making-fun-of-bombing-victims, but still funny, no?)


  • 2017 '16 '15 Organizer '14 Customizer '13 '12 '11 '10

    This is kinda tasteless but funny indeed… LMFAO

    What’s better than winning a Gold medal at the special olympics?

    • Not being a retard!

    ok now somebody had to do this:

    Your Mama So Fat joke section:

    when she step on the Weight Scales it says…‘to be continued’…

    when she bends over, we enter Daylight Saving Time.

    she was measured at 38-26-36 and that was just the left arm…

    when I had to swerve to avoid hitting her on the road I ran out of Petrol!

    when she auditioned for a part in Raiders of the Lost Ark she got the part of the big Rolling Ball.

    she wears an ‘X’ jacket and Copters attempt to land on her  lol!

    she shows up on radar.

    she wears an asteroid belt.

    she got a new gig at the Cinema…she works as the screen



  • @cystic:

    i’m not modding.

    CC,

    For good, just this post, or as a temporary thing?

    I don’t know whether or not to be sorry to hear this.  On the one hand, you have been a good moderator IMO and some posters clearly need moderation (though I am certain that DM, dezertfish, and Yanny are up to the challenge).  On the other hand, you now don’t need to deal with the … stupidity … that is so prevalent.  😐


  • 2017 '16 '15 Organizer '14 Customizer '13 '12 '11 '10

    Not to help another to influence a hijack of this thread but… CC wears his “heart of his sleeve” way too much to be a moderator where he IS basically "the issue"  or “at issue” with others to be impartial judge of how things should be conducted. Its like having Col. Sanders watching the hens!  NO that is not anything but an accurate statement so dont start. But lets just keep this thread pure of jokes only…

    PS: Id have to say in his defense that he can think logically and back up his points with accurate information but just a bit touchy or “sensitive”



  • CC wears his “heart of his sleeve” way too much to be a moderator where he IS basically "the issue"  or “at issue” with others to be impartial judge of how things should be conducted.

    I don’t think having an opinion on a certain topic, or desiring a discussion where one can learn new viewpoints on complex issues should disqualify one as a moderator.  The problem arises not when a moderator has views (everyone does) but when a moderator is unable to step outside his viewpoints to address the moderating requirements at hand.  While CC does have passion on many subjects (usually different than my opinions  :? ) I’ve seen him put aside his opinions and address items in need of a moderator.  But you are correct, this is off topic, so…


    A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, “Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?” A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, “It’s my dog. Why?”

    “Well,” squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, “I believe my dog just killed it, sir.” “What?” roared the big man in disbelief. “What in the hell kind of dog do you have?” “Sir,” answered the little man, “it’s a little four week old female puppy.” “Bull!” roared the biker, “how could your puppy kill my Doberman?” “It appears that your dog choked on her, sir.”


    An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said “yes”. The next morning when he awoke, he couldn’t remember what her answer was! “Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny…” After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn’t remember her answer to the marriage proposal. “Oh”, she said, “I’m so glad you called. I remembered saying ‘yes’ to someone, but I couldn’t remember who it was.”


    A well dressed business man was walking down the street when a little kid covered in soot said to him respectfully, “Sir, can you tell me the time?” The portly man stopped, carefully unbuttoned his coat and jacket, removed a large watch from a vest pocket, looked at it and said, “It is a quarter to three, young man.” “Thanks,” said the boy. “At exactly three o’clock you can kiss my ass.” With that, the kid took off running, and with an angry cry, the outraged businessman started chasing him. He had not been running long when an old friend stopped him. “Why are you running like this at your age?” asked the friend. Gasping and almost incoherent with fury, the business man said, “That little brat asked me the time and when I told him it was quarter to three he told me that at exactly three, I should kiss his ass!” “So what’s your hurry,” said the friend. “You still have ten minutes.”



  • @Wargaming_nut:

    Falk: I don’t believe I have ever flamed you. So accusing people with whom I share a country of being hypocrites, and therefore disregarding my requests to stick to the subject is, frankly, stupid.

    I was not talking about you directly but about others with regard to the flaming.
    “Accusing people with whom you share a country”…. of course i do that. These people (pre)judge everyone of other countries. I do that to parts of your countrymen.
    Still, you seem to think that the first is ok, the second is not.
    Do you not see in which direction you are putting yourself?

    If they put shit on other nationalities, and i put shit on them, and you feel offended … maybe it is your job to keep your countrymen in line ???


  • Moderator

    @Imperious:

    Not to help another to influence a hijack of this thread but… CC wears his “heart of his sleeve” way too much to be a moderator where he IS basically “the issue”  or “at issue” with others to be impartial judge of how things should be conducted. Its like having Col. Sanders watching the hens!  NO that is not anything but an accurate statement so dont start. But lets just keep this thread pure of jokes only…

    PS: Id have to say in his defense that he can think logically and back up his points with accurate information but just a bit touchy or “sensitive”

    I disagree… CC has served this forum with a acute understanding of the rules and has always been willing to take a case and handle it separately from another… Yes he has gotten pretty attached and dogged in some threads, but then again it is impossible to not have a bias… just as long as you never use your authority to fulfill your opinion of that bias… Then, this would not be a forum of free speech, but of robots controlled by the whims of Mods and Admins, and to this date I have not seen that (I’ve been here since the fall of '03)…

    GG


  • 2017 '16 '15 Organizer '14 Customizer '13 '12 '11 '10

    I meant my concern as a general statement of how he conducts himself as a poster. I have no information as to his duties as a moderator ands i am not sure he acted as such since i joined up in august 2005. You will note that ……wait this is a thread about JOKES so ill stop.



  • Back to the jokes…

    How many Druids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    None, Druids screw in stone circles.

    How many Asatruar (Norse religion) does it take to screw in a lighbulb?
    None, the light from the burning monestary is good enough for them!

    (there are a few hundred more, but unless you are REALLY up on your knowledge of various Neo-Pagan religions, you would not understand them.)


  • 2017 '16 '15 Organizer '14 Customizer '13 '12 '11 '10

    How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?

    1. One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
          2. Two. One to hold the diet cola and the other to get her accompanist to do it.
          3. Four. One to change the bulb and three to pull the chair out from under her.

    What’s the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and the average All-Pro offensive lineman?
        Stage makeup.

    What’s the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor?
        About 10 pounds.

    How do you tell if a Wagnerian soprano is dead?
        The horses seem very relieved.

    What’s the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?
        Most musicians have never been in a Porsche.


  • 2017 '16 '15 Organizer '14 Customizer '13 '12 '11 '10

    How many Asatruar (Norse religion) does it take to screw in a lighbulb?
    None, the light from the burning monestary is good enough for them!

    I like these give us more… they are different


  • 2017 '16 '15 Organizer '14 Customizer '13 '12 '11 '10

    Recently watched “the producers” for the third time and i just love the songs… too funny!

    Springtime for Hitler/ Heil myself lyrics:

    Germany was having trouble
    What a sad, sad story
    Needed a new leader to restore
    Its former glory
    Where, oh, where was he?
    Where could that man be?
    We looked around and then we found
    The man for you and me

    LEAD TENOR STORMTROOPER:
    And now it’s…
    Springtime for Hitler and Germany
    Deutschland is happy and gay!
    We’re marching to a faster pace
    Look out, here comes the master race!
    Springtime for Hitler and Germany
    Rhineland’s a fine land once more!
    Springtime for Hitler and Germany
    Watch out, Europe
    We’re going on tour!
    Springtime for Hitler and Germany…

    CHORUS:
    Look, it’s springtime
    LEAD TENOR STORMTROOPER:
    Winter for Poland and France
    CHORUS AND STORMTROOPER:
    Springtime for Hitler and Germany!
    CHORUS:
    Springtime! Springtime!
    Springtime! Springtime!
    Springtime! Springtime!
    Springtime! Springtime!
    STORMTROOPER:
    Come on, Germans
    Go into your dance!
    STORMTROOPER “ROLF”:
    I was born in Dusseldorf und that is why they call me Rolf.
    STORMTROOPER “MEL”:
    Don’t be stupid, be a smarty, come and join the Nazi party!
    ULLA:
    The Fuhrer is coming, the Fuhrer is coming, the Fuhrer is coming!
    STORMTROOPER #1:
    Heil Hitler!
    STORMTROOPER #2:
    Heil Hitler!
    LEAD TENOR STORMTROOPER:
    Heil Hitler!
    Springtime for Hitler and Germany
    ALL:
    Heil Hitler!


    ROGER:
    Heil myself
    Heil to me
    I’m the kraut
    Who’s out to change our history
    Heil myself
    Raise your hand
    There’s no greater
    Dictator in the land!
    Everything I do, I do for you!
    CHORUS:
    Yes, you do!
    ROGER:
    If you’re looking for a war, here’s World War Two!
    Heil myself
    Raise your beer
    CHORUS:
    Jawohl!
    ROGER:
    Ev’ry hotsy-totsy Nazi stand and cheer
    CHORUS:
    Hooray!
    Ev’ry hotsy-totsy Nazi…
    ROGER:
    Heil myself!
    CHORUS:
    Ev’ry hotsy-totsy Nazi…
    ROGER:
    Heil myself!
    CHORUS:
    Ev’ry hotsy-totsy Nazi…
    ROGER:
    …stand and cheer!
    THE HEIL-LOs:
    The Fuhrer is causing a furor!
    He’s got those Russians on the run
    You gotta love that wacky hun!
    The Fuhrer is causing a furor
    They can’t say “no” to his demands
    They’re freaking out in foreign lands
    He’s got the whole world in his hands
    The Fuhrer is causing a furor!
    ROGER:
    I was just a paper hanger
    No one more obscurer
    Got a phone call from the Reichstag
    Told me I was Fuhrer
    Germany was blue
    What, oh, what to do?
    Hitched up my pants
    And conquered France
    Now Deutschland’s smiling through!
    But it wasn’t always so easy…
    It was 1932. Hindenburg was working the Big Room and I…
    I was playing the lounge. And then I got my big break.
    Somebody burned down the Reichstag. And, would you believe it?
    They made me Chancellor. Chancellor!
    It ain’t no myst’ry
    If it’s politics or hist’ry
    The thing you gotta know is
    Ev’rything is show biz
    Heil myself
    Watch my show
    I’m the German Ethel Merman
    Dontcha know
    We are crossing borders
    The new world order is here
    Make a great big smile
    Ev’ryone sieg heil to me
    Wonderful me!
    And now it’s…
    CHORUS:
    Springtime for Hitler and Germany
    Goose-step’s the new step today

    ROGER:
    Springtime!
    Goose-steps!
    CHORUS MEN:
    Bombs falling from the skies again
    CHORUS:
    Deutschland is on the rise again
    ROGER & CHORUS:
    Springtime for Hitler and Germany
    U-boats are sailing once more
    Springtime for Hitler and Germany
    ROGER:
    Means that…
    CHORUS:
    Soon we’ll be going…
    ROGER:
    We’ve got to be going…
    CHORUS:
    You know we’ll be going…
    ROGER:
    You bet we’ll be going…
    ROGER & CHORUS:
    You know we’ll be going to war!!

    certainly one of the best movies of 2005. Set some time aside and watch it.



  • Before we get back to teh lightbulbs…

    What do you call 13 Witches in a hot tub?
    A self cleaning coven.

    And back to the lighbulbs…

    How many Druids does it take to change a lightbulb?
    one to hold the bulb and 12 to drink enough to make the room spin.

    How many Druids does it take to change a lightbulb?
    501. One to change the bulb and 500 to align the new stone.

    How many Family traditionalists does it take to change a light bulb?
    Candle light was good enough for our ancestors, it’s good enough for us!

    How many Brit.Trad WItches does it take to change a light bulb?
    13. One to change the bulb, and 12 to mourn the passing of the old bulb.

    How many Gardnerians does it take to change a lightbulb?
    Can’t say. It’s oathbound.

    How many Starhawk witches does it take to change a light bulb?
    (plaintevely) “There are starving villiages in Africa that don’t even HAVE light bulbs…”

    How many Frost “School of Wicca” witches does it take to change a light bulb?
    “Just you! That’s right, YOU! And for only $195 we’ll send you our complete “Witches Magic Power of Light Bulb Changing Course” with real knowledge that you can apply this to ANY light bulb ANYwhere! Listen to the testimony
    of a young couple from Wisconsin who…”

    How many Buckland witches does it take to change a light bulb?
    “Refer to my second book, “Practical Light Bulb Changing” by Raymond Buckland…”

    How many Pagans does it take to change a lightbulb?
    Six. One to change it, and five to sit around complaining that lightbulbs never burned out before those damned Christains came along.

    How many witches does it take to change a light bulb?
    What do you want it changed into?

    How many Golden Dawners does it take to change a light bulb?
    One to hold the ladder, one to hold the bulb, three to decipher the Light Bulb Ritual from the Secret Chiefs, one to publish it, and one to sue all the others.

    How many tantrics does it take to change a light bulb?
    2 as long as the lamp is by the bed…

    How many Cerimonial magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
    One. They hold it up, and the world revolves around them.

    How many years does it take for a New-ager to change a light bulb?
    Well, it takes many many years, unless you pay $650 US non refundable, Visa or MC accepted. Then you can do it after the weekend intensive training seminar.

    How many TechnoPagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    If the computer is still working, who cares about the light bulb.



  • And for Astrology Buffs…

    How many Aries does it take to change a light bulb?
    Only one, but it takes a lot of light bulbs.

    How many Tauruses does it take to change a light bulb?
    What, me move?

    How many Geminis does it take to change a light bulb?
    II

    How many Cancers does it take to change a light bulb?
    Only one, but he has to bring his mother.

    How many Leos does it take to change a light bulb?
    A dozen. One to change the bulb, and eleven to applaud.

    How many Virgos does it take to change a light bulb?
    One to clean out the socket, one to dust the bulb, one to install, and
    two engineers to check the work.

    How many Libras does it take to change a light bulb?
    Libras can’t decide if the bulb needs to be changed.

    How many Scorpios does it take to change a light bulb?
    None. They LIKE the dark.

    How many Sagittarians does it take to change a light bulb?
    One to install the bulb, and a Virgo to pick up the pieces.

    How many Capricorns does it take to change a light bulb?
    The light’s fine as it is.

    How many Aquarians does it take to change a light bulb?
    Have you asked the bulb if it WANTS to be changed?

    How many Pisceans does it take to change a light bulb?
    What light bulb?

    How many astrologers does it take to change a light bulb?
    “Don’t ask me now, Mercury’s retrograde!”



  • Witches ride brooms because Nature abhors a vacuum!

    Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze.
    It maketh me to wake in green pastures.
    It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.
    It restoreth my buzz.
    It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name’s sake.
    Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction,
    I will fear no Equal -
    For thou art with me;
    Thy cream and thy sugar they comfort me.
    Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of The Starbucks.
    Thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over.
    Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life,
    And I will dwell in the House of Mocha forever.

    Our lager who art in barrels, hallowed be thy drink.
    Thy beer doth come, I will be drunk, at home as in the tavern.
    Give us this day our foamy head, and forgive us our spillages
    as we forgive those who spill against us.
    And lead us not to incarceration, but deliver us from hangover.
    For thine is the beer, the bitter, and the lager, forever and ever.
    Barmen.

    –-----------------------------------
    Feeling Stressed Out?
    Picture yourself near a stream.

    Birds are softly chirping
    in the crisp cool mountain air.

    Nothing can bother you here.
    No one knows
    this secret place.

    You are in total seclusion
    from that place
    called “the world.”

    The soothing sound of a
    gentle waterfall
    fills the air
    with a cascade
    of serenity.

    The water is clear.

    You can easily
    make out the face
    of the person
    whose head you’re
    holding
    under the water.


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