Welcome! If you're a returning member of the forums, please reset your password. If you don't receive an email within minutes, it means your account is listed under another, likely older, email address. Contact webmaster@axisandallies.org for help.

Life & Love


  • 2019 Moderator

    @Jennifer:

    Divorce is never worth it.  Hiring a gunman to kill your spouse and then repenting for your sins is much better. You get to keep ALL your stuff!

    Na, the only way two people can keep a secret is if ones dead, do the dirty work yourself and if you get caught you only have yourself to blame.


  • 2007 AAR League

    Make sure to post your plan on a web site, first, too.



  • @Frood:

    Make sure to post your plan on a web site, first, too.

    Or publish a book called “If I Did It”

    :mrgreen:



  • Hey guys, thanks again for the encouragement.

    I still haven’t contacted a lawyer, but this isn’t as messy as a divorce.  So far it’s been pretty civil, but I’ve kept myself in check more than she ever has.  It’s just a custody/child support issue, and we pretty much have it worked out by ourselves.  I still aim to speak to one though.

    I do see hope everyday, in quite a few things.  She just told me two days ago that I’m first in line should she start dating again.  Sure, it could be a lie, but why would she say that when she’s been so strict on boundaries and splitting apart?  Her comfort level with me has also returned as I’ve been able to give her massages, and she’s not as reclusive when it comes to me possibly seeing her naked (changing, breast feeding, what have you).

    It sounds like I’ve got the short end of the stick, but you guys are only hearing my side and don’t know my history with her.  We’ve had some very rocky times that I’ve exacerbated.  At one point, she broke up with me and another girl approached me.  I tried to keep it on very slow, easy terms, but she went for it full fledged.  I didn’t sleep with the girl, but Mary came running after that.  Last year, I went on a cabin trip when we were not together (even though still living together), and got so drunk that a girl there came onto me hardcore and I didn’t stop it.  I regretted it the next day, and told Mary as soon as I got back.  It was very complicated, and even though she says she doesn’t care, she still brings it up some.  However, I’ve never slept with anyone since I met Mary almost 5 years ago.

    I’ve hurt her a lot - probably more than I ever knew until recently.  I didn’t know myself at some points, didn’t know what I want, and didn’t know how to love someone that meant so much to me.  She didn’t know how to communicate her feelings, has her father’s temper, and neither one of us knew how to productively address our problems.  Now I feel I do.  It just took a crisis to get that full perspective (it’s been heading that anyway for months now when I decided to become a better father, lover, and person).

    She’s not a terrible person, she’s just someone that’s gone through some hard times, been cooped up for a while (and not done anything about it), has some stress and anxieties, and doesn’t know where she’s going.  But recently she hasn’t been the wonderful person I knew.  It hurts me to hear that she’s been hardening herself for 2 years (which I didn’t know until recently), yet for all that time she’s wanted to buy a house and have our family.

    A little bit of time will help heal everything.  And it will show me the way.

    DF - Great joke.

    @ncscswitch:

    @Frood:

    Make sure to post your plan on a web site, first, too.

    Or publish a book called “If I Did It”

    :mrgreen:

    You should check that book out.  Or at least read the intro into how it came into being.  OJ didn’t publish it.  Also, check out the cover, it’s pretty funny if you pay attention to the layout.



  • Oh, and balung, I’m willing to bet you don’t have a girlfriend…


  • 2007 AAR League

    very happily no.  8-)

    its better to get drunk at a bar and the hit and miss scenes there.


  • 2019 Moderator

    I couldn’t help but think of this song after your story Jerm,

    DEVIL WOMAN
    Marty Robbins

    I told Mary about us, told her about our great sin
    Mary just cried and forgave me, Mary took me back again
    She said if I wanted my freedom, I could be free evermore
    But I don’t want to be and I don’t want to see Mary cry anymore.

    Devil woman, devil woman, let go of me
    Devil woman, let me be
    Just leave me alone,
    I want to go home.

    Mary is waiting and weeping alone in our shack by the sea
    Even after I hurt her, Mary’ still in love with me
    Devil woman, it’s over, trapped no more by your charms
    I don’t want to stay, I want to get away, Women let go of my arms.

    Devil woman, devil woman, let go of me
    Devil woman, let me be
    Just leave me alone,
    I want to go home.

    Devil woman, you’re evil like the dark coral reef
    Like the winds that bring high tides, you bring sorrow and grief
    You made me so ashamed to face Mary, barely had the strength to tell
    Skies are not so black, Mary took me back, Mary has broken your spell.

    Devil woman, devil woman, let go of me
    Devil woman, let me be
    Just leave me alone,
    I want to go home.

    @ncscswitch:

    @Frood:

    Make sure to post your plan on a web site, first, too.

    Or publish a book called “If I Did It”

    :mrgreen:

    This off topic a bit, but have any of you read it?  Un-friggen-believable….  Only in America.



  • So weird how things work out.

    I went to pick up my bike and some clothes last night, and to say “goodbye” since I decided once I moved out I wasn’t going to contact her unless necessary.

    So I tickled her when I asked if I could have a “last dance” and put on “Hey, Jude” by the Beatles - a song that has major significance with her.  She enjoyed it, smiled, and laughed but wanted to paint.  I went and helped her for a while but got tired.  She asked if I needed to stay here as things weren’t quite ready at my parents’ house.  I reluctantly agreed.

    She eventually came in a layed down, only to wake up a bit later saying she was cold.  So I got her to scoot over and threw my blanket over her, and she let me cuddle her for the evening.  Well, at least as far as my shoulder would allow.

    All I know now is that I’m going over tomorrow, making her breakfast, and hanging out.  Not sure what that means (probably watching the boy or helping her get rearranged in her new room), but it’s a damn good amount of progress.

    Dezrt - love those lyrics.  I will have to show them to her someday.


  • 2007 AAR League

    I really honestly hope this works out for you, and that you both get what you need. I hope you don’t get taken advantage of. I’m guessing she’s very confused herself right now. Unless you’re going to be happy in a relationship of three adults, you have to make it clear that she can’t have both you and this other guy. If she’s not ready to decide, I think you should still move out.

    I don’t know, maybe it would help her if you made it clear that you don’t blame her, but that for your own sake you need to protect yourself until you know that she will be faithful to you?

    In the end, you can only do what seems right for you. I’m glad you had a nice connection with her.



  • @Ender:

    I really honestly hope this works out for you, and that you both get what you need. I hope you don’t get taken advantage of. I’m guessing she’s very confused herself right now. Unless you’re going to be happy in a relationship of three adults, you have to make it clear that she can’t have both you and this other guy. If she’s not ready to decide, I think you should still move out.

    I don’t know, maybe it would help her if you made it clear that you don’t blame her, but that for your own sake you need to protect yourself until you know that she will be faithful to you?

    In the end, you can only do what seems right for you. I’m glad you had a nice connection with her.

    Ender, don’t you ever learn?  I have to keep the other guy (who happens to share my first name  😮 ) close so I can dismantle him.  😉

    Actually, I am moved out.  Except for a few knickknacks here or there and some things I don’t need yet.

    I’ve already made it clear that I love her and would do anything, but as soon as I sense I’m being taken advantage of, I’m cutting it off.  In fact, I just about have.  It’s a hard place to be…wanting to do everything for her yet needing to make a clean break in order for her to be able to miss me.

    This other guy is apparently out of the picture though.  She felt the need to tell me she deleted him from her phone (and verified it).  Something must have happened Thursday night, at the very least, realizing that he was not good for her, even as a friend.

    Thanks for the concern.  I’m looking ahead, and if she wants to be included, then so be it.  If not, maybe someday down the road, but I’ll be doing my own thing.



  • All I can say is…

    She is getting all of the benefit, with none of the commitment.

    My apologies in advance for your future pain if you continue in this manner…


  • 2007 AAR League

    @ncscswitch:

    All I can say is…

    She is getting all of the benefit, with none of the commitment.

    My apologies in advance for your future pain if you continue in this manner…

    Give the guy a break. He’s in love with this woman. All things considered, I think he’s being a lot stronger than I could be in his situation. I just hope she gets things sorted out.



  • Men who think with their heart (or worse yet about 2 feet lower) tend to get themselves into very bad situations with women.

    Yes, there is history.  Yes, there is emotion.

    But YES, there is also a child to think of, and schools, and college funding, and a secure retirement, and financial stability, and not having to wonder if this week you have to move in with the parents because she kicked you out once again, or what disease you may have just picked up because you made love w/o protection to a cheating woman after she spent a few weeks or a few months catting around…

    Perhaps it is because I have had more partners than I can count on my fingers and toes twice over (56 at last count).  Perhaps it is because I have been married to a woman who decimated me economically and introduced me to the risk for almost any STD present on Ft. Bragg.  Or perhaps it is just that I am closing on 40 and I realize that LOVE is not being taken advantage of, it is not being manipulated, ir is not being the “fall back safe position”.

    Love has to go BOTH ways, otherwise it is a joke, a lie, and devastating to the partner who is in love with someone who is not…


  • 2019 Moderator

    I gota say Jerm, I’ve been where you’re at and it makes me sad to remember the vulnerabilty of being in that position.  Friends tried to tell me what I was doing, but it is what it is, and advice won’t change how you feel or what you do.  You’ll see more clearly in time, good luck brother…


  • 2019 Moderator

    btw, my kid brothers name is Jeremiah and I always called him “Jerm”  I don’t know why I stared calling you that, prolly just to lazy to type your whole name 😉



  • As far as your progress goes, good for you!  I know there are some people here who might not consider that progress, but I’m pretty sure you do.  Anyway, it seems like you’ve got a good enough approach, in that you are trying (and succeeding, from the looks of it) to get the girl back to being YOUR girl.  I would heed some of the advice as far as “maybe you’re just setting yourself up for failure”, but even if that is the case, just stay strong and stick to your guns about not letting her shit on you again.

    Good luck whatever happens.  😉



  • @ncscswitch:

    All I can say is…

    She is getting all of the benefit, with none of the commitment.

    My apologies in advance for your future pain if you continue in this manner…

    You’re right.  It’s really not smart.  I’ve pointed out to her that I want to be there for her, and do everything for her, but I don’t want to feel taken advantage of.  She said she wasn’t.  But at the same time, it would be only natural to not do anything when slighted.  In fact, that’s part of my strategy.  I don’t call her unless it’s about our son.  I stay scarce, otherwise, people won’t miss you if you are always around.  I can say that I’ve made the adjustment to our custody arrangement much better than she has.  This is just so hard when you love someone and feel like you don’t know who they are anymore…

    But at the same time, if I’m trying to at least remain friends or have a decent relationship with my son’s mother, then I need to be there, helping her.  It’s a shitty catch-22, but I have to do what’s necessary…

    @dezrtfish:

    I gota say Jerm, I’ve been where you’re at and it makes me sad to remember the vulnerabilty of being in that position.  Friends tried to tell me what I was doing, but it is what it is, and advice won’t change how you feel or what you do.  You’ll see more clearly in time, good luck brother…

    Well, I’ve read a lot lately on what I need to do.  Surprisingly, what I need to do to move on could actually be the ticket to have her come running back, as strange as that sounds.  I’d like nothing more, but again, I’m not sure who she is because of what’s been happening the past month and a half.  And somehow she feels validated…or not and isn’t showing it.

    And I’ve been called Jerm for a LONG time.  No worries.  😉

    @AgentOrange:

    As far as your progress goes, good for you!  I know there are some people here who might not consider that progress, but I’m pretty sure you do.  Anyway, it seems like you’ve got a good enough approach, in that you are trying (and succeeding, from the looks of it) to get the girl back to being YOUR girl.  I would heed some of the advice as far as “maybe you’re just setting yourself up for failure”, but even if that is the case, just stay strong and stick to your guns about not letting her sh*t on you again.

    Good luck whatever happens.  😉

    Well, I’m going to do what I’m going to do because I believe it is right.  I do take into consideration where I’m just being led on, but I can still say “I cared, so I acted accordingly.”  Pretty much all the damage and pain is done, so there’s not much way to go but up, or out of the situation completely.


  • 2007 AAR League

    The bottom line is she cheated on you.  After that there can be no “trust”, without “trust” no relationship can survive.



  • @Emperor:

    The bottom line is she cheated on you.  After that there can be no “trust”, without “trust” no relationship can survive.

    Well, technically we weren’t together, so she technically didn’t.  Doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt.  I think it was wrong, and deep down she probably feels it as well, but I’m not sure.

    And, I’ve hurt her in the past…I wouldn’t call it cheating, but I’m sure she felt that way.

    Trust can always be rebuilt.  But it takes two parties dedicated to the task.


  • 2007 AAR League

    @Jermofoot:

    @Emperor:

    The bottom line is she cheated on you.  After that there can be no “trust”, without “trust” no relationship can survive.

    Well, technically we weren’t together, so she technically didn’t.  Doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt.  I think it was wrong, and deep down she probably feels it as well, but I’m not sure.

    And, I’ve hurt her in the past…I wouldn’t call it cheating, but I’m sure she felt that way.

    Trust can always be rebuilt.  But it takes two parties dedicated to the task.

    I’m sorry but I don’t think that trust can ever be rebuilt.  There will always be that doubt, and those doubts will lead to arguments.  You say she didn’t “technically” cheat, but you have a child together, that creates a husband-wife-family bond, she chose to ignore her obligations to that “family unit” for her own selfish physical gratification, is that the kind of mother you want raising your child?

    I know my words are harsh, but really you need to think about what’s best for your son.



  • @Emperor:

    @Jermofoot:

    @Emperor:

    The bottom line is she cheated on you.  After that there can be no “trust”, without “trust” no relationship can survive.

    Well, technically we weren’t together, so she technically didn’t.  Doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt.  I think it was wrong, and deep down she probably feels it as well, but I’m not sure.

    And, I’ve hurt her in the past…I wouldn’t call it cheating, but I’m sure she felt that way.

    Trust can always be rebuilt.  But it takes two parties dedicated to the task.

    I’m sorry but I don’t think that trust can ever be rebuilt.  There will always be that doubt, and those doubts will lead to arguments.  You say she didn’t “technically” cheat, but you have a child together, that creates a husband-wife-family bond, she chose to ignore her obligations to that “family unit” for her own selfish physical gratification, is that the kind of mother you want raising your child?

    I know my words are harsh, but really you need to think about what’s best for your son.

    In many ways you are right.  But I “did it first.”  Being an idiot and not thinking about consequences, not realizing that I didn’t really want to mess around with someone else, and drinking way way too much.  Took me a bit to get my perspective.
    Doesn’t mean it is an excuse for her to do the same.  But she did.  It can always be healed.  If the love is there.

    She and I had a great talk last night.  She’s still on the defensive some, but as long as you don’t accuse and actually talk about what matters, then you can make progress.  She knows I’m hurt, I don’t need to repeat it.  And if I love her, then there is always room in my heart to let her in.  The door is shutting, but it will never close.  It will just take more work after some time to get it back open.

    The thing is, she’s not so much rebelling against me, but against her life.  She admits that the other guy was a mistake and it shouldn’t have happened.  She wishes I was in the place I am now 2 years ago.  It would have been perfect.  But you can’t force anyone that way.

    So now she’s dealing with her new “freedom” and burdens of responsibility.  She’s getting quite a bit out, but her roommate tells me there isn’t anything I should be afraid of.  Deep down, she loves me, and he’s pretty sure, as most people who know us, that she’ll come around sooner or later.  And she acknowledged that herself.  It may take both of dating a few times to realize that, though.

    But, I’m not holding my breath.  Just slowly releasing my grip from the things I want since they aren’t immediately obtainable.


Log in to reply
 

Welcome to the new forums! For security and technical reasons, we did not migrate your password. Therefore to get started, please reset your password. You may use your email address or username. Please note that your username is not your display name.

If you're having problems, please send an email to webmaster@axisandallies.org

T-shirts, Hats, and More

Suggested Topics

I Will Never Grow Up Games

52
Online

13.2k
Users

33.4k
Topics

1.3m
Posts