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Life & Love



  • So I’ve had some bad juju in the life recently, and I’m curious how everyone feels about trying to win back a lost love.  Or perhaps not trying at all.

    She and I weren’t officially together as we were focusing on parenting, and our time being sucked completely into childcare.  We rarely saw each other except late evenings, some mornings for a bit, and our weekends. 
    We were still intimate and doing everything together, but another guy calls and she’s ready to separate.  It wasn’t 2 days since our last “communion” that she went on a date with this guy, and less than a week before she stayed out until 6:30 am making out with this guy while I watched our son.
    It’s funny, because that same month she tried to get me to promise not to date anyone or do anything with another girl.  Three weeks later she does this, is still infatuated with a guy she barely knew and is obviously an asshole, and I don’t understand it or feel like I know who she is anymore.
    Now I’m being forced to move out from a house that I’ve paid all the rent and bills (her portion for two years - rent, gas, electric, cell phone, water, car insurance, a lot of food and some other unnecessary expenses) on, and she is setting herself up for a bad financial situation.
    The thing is, I’m so incredibly in love with her.  And I’m misrepresenting her somewhat because you don’t know how much she wanted us to work in the ~5 years we’ve known each other, hitting hard times and being inexperienced to deal with it.  Or her breaking up with me because she won’t communicate, and I’m too stubborn, then getting upset when I move on to someone else…
    Anyway, just venting.  What do you guys have to say?

    Anyone want to grab a beer, share some stories, and let me know what’s the best thing here?


  • 2019 Moderator

    That’s a tough one bro, I’ve been there and I don’t wish it on anyone.  I can tell you what I’ve tried…

    Begging and pleading… Didn’t work, in fact make things uncomfortable and led to avoiding contact.

    Drinking heavily… Always works for a few hours.  But waking up with a hangover next to coyote ugly leads to more heavy drinking…

    Display indifference… I’ve pulled this one off twice.  The problem is if you do it right you convince yourself, and when the other person comes back, almost a guarantee, you have a hard time reconnecting.

    I think if you can make peace with how you feel and accept that things rarely end the way you would want them to, then you can let her go, and as they say if she comes back…

    That’s my two cent’s,

    btw I am always up for a beer or 15, if you need a weekend away I have a guest room we could polish off a case of beer, discuss civil liberties and generaly annoy my wife…  😄


  • 2019 2018 2017 2016 2015 '14 '13

    That is some heavy schite.

    My 2 cents……whatever you decide, do what is in the BEST interest of your child. And DFish offers some wise advise, make peace

    @dezrtfish:

    I think if you can make peace with how you feel and accept that things rarely end the way you would want them to, then you can let her go, and as they say if she comes back

    Good luck and take care of yourself.



  • Damn!!!
    Now i really wish i were going to Vegas for my stag.  We could do all of those things you listed in whatever order you wished!!
    At any rate, we could sit down for many beers/stories/commisurating. 
    My take is always to deconstruct.  To figure out what is going on, and to what degree things had progressed.  Look around - are their signs that this has been going on?  This nonsense of making you make promises makes me very suspicious that she has been . . . ummmm . . . playing a few games.  She didn’t want you to be doing things she knew of herself capable (and therefore you).  This also suggests that she was diverting attention from her own shenanigans. 
    The infatuation thing is interesting.  It is hard to do, but it is possible to deconstruct this as well. 
    That new “puppy love” that hits us in the beginning of a relationship tends to be dopamine-related.  If you are scratching your head, consider that dopamine is an important neurotransmitter - a molecule that works in the brain to shuttle information around (in addition to its effects on vascular constriction).  Many of the feelings you have when you are in love are simply reflections of dopamine levels and its effects on receptors in the brain.  This is reflected in other people’s contentment when taking a drag from a cigarette, alcohol, sugar/chocolate, heroin, cocaine etc.  People with ADHD suffer a lack of dopaimine activity requiring an ampetamine to fuel dopamine receptors. 
    Anyway, dopamine fuels that “infatuation” process, which, like heroin, compels people to seek the object of their desire - often irrespective of all rational inputs.  The thing about this, is that it can work for 18 months or so.  Often people get married within this timeframe, at which people tend to stay together because of the effects of seratoinin - a different neurotransmitter - one that has been implicated in anxiety and depressive disorders.

    So enough of an egghead approach. 
    About 18 months ago i was crazy in love with a woman - even willing to move to Vancouver to practice medicine in order to marry her.  I worked at the Vancouver General ER for a month to develop the relationship, and to see what it would be like to live/work there.  2-3 weeks later she completely inexplicably dumped me.  I think i know why - long story short she had previously been married to a heroin addict who made her life a living hell.  Anyway, i crashed BIG time.  I couldn’t concentrate, the littlest things that reminded me of her just slayed me emotionally.  Still, i knew the kind of person she was, and i tried to be true to myself.  I called her once, and i sent her a few emails just discussing some of my feelings (i read over it a few times to make sure that it was not whining or guilt-provoking).  I also tried to deal with things i thought were issues between us.  The fact was that we weren’t meant to be, so i had to deal with that and move on. 
    This is not going to be easy for you.  You have a lot of soul searching to do as to what you want, and more imporatantly what is best for your children and how to best acheive this.  You strike me as being a pretty bright insightful individual, but it will take more than this for you to deal with this.  I suggest engaging all of your mature  coping mechanisms.  Taking with family/friends, exercising daily, finding constructive ways to spend your time and apply your mind to.  Don’t take on important or critical projects right now.  Whatever you do, stay out of your room, and preferably out of the house. 
    DF has some excellent points.  The indifference is tough.  If you think things are over, id’ be happy to add my 2 cents, if you want to work on things, then you will be going down a hard road.  Not least of which will be dealing with your feelings about your wife’s infidelity.  If you need to go out for a weekend of drinking, Winnipeg Nov 10th-ish will be rockin’ pretty hard.


  • 2018 2017 2016 '11 Moderator

    Or:

    Notify your service you are available for out calls and in calls again. 😛


  • 2007 AAR League

    At least I’m not the only one suggesting hookers and cocaine 🙂


  • 2018 2017 2016 '11 Moderator

    @AJ:

    At least I’m not the only one suggesting hookers and cocaine 🙂

    Never do cocaine on the job.  That’s how you get stiffed.

    Sides, I was talkin about working, not buying!



  • 1.  PROTECT YOUR OWN FINANCIAL INTERESTS.  I cannot emphasize this enough.  But yuo need to SECURE YOUR FINANCIAL RESOURCES.  This has to be Priorities #1 through #10.

    It may sound selfish, but if you fail to do so, any make up with her will be difficult if not impossible due to financial distress.  Taking care of your child becomes a MAJOR issue without financial resources.  And if you end up on your own, or on your own with a child, then you need to have those resources.  If you have a joint account, take your cash out and open a new one.  Close any joint credit accounts.  Pay off any joint debt (you will get stuck with it no matter what… if you get back together it stays yours, if you split and she is heading for an economic fall, you will get it anyway).

    11.  Protect your child.  Financially of course, but also emotionally.  YOU have to be the one to provide stability for your child.  She is out having a good time, so it is up to you to be the parent.  Also, start documenting those things like the out-all-night or any other activities that would be a bad influence on your child, create an unstable home environment, etc. (that is if you want primary or full custody…)

    12.  WEAR PROTECTION.  May sound silly, but you have just had a whole new set of biological risks enter your life… everything from disease, to her becoming pregnant and the father being unknown (is it you, is it someone else…).  And if this continues, you are likely to want a bit of extra-curricular activity of your own… PUT A HELMET ON THAT SOLDIER!  You now have to treat HER exactly as you would anyone you pick up in a bar… you have no idea who her new partner(s) are sleeping with also, or what protection they are taking.

    Sorry to be so blunt and ugly… but from the sounds of it, your relationship has been on the rocks for quite some time.  The odds of a viable long term reconciliation are somewhere akin to the USA surviving the J1 assault on SZ52 against “Pearl Heavy”.

    Think with your HEAD first.



  • good call NC.
    I also tell my married/common-law patients to seek legal counsel as well.



  • Agreed on the legal council.

    The best money I think I ever spent was the attorney fees for my Separation Papers at the end of my first marriage.  Those documents saved me a TON of cash over the next year.

    The biggest mistake I made was in not monitoring the joint account cash in the weeks leading up to the separation, and setting up a separate account….  THAT mistake cost me about $18,000.


  • 2017 2016 2015 Organizer '14 Customizer '13 '12 '11 '10

    After reading “Civilization and its Discontents” from Sigmund Freud many times you will come to recognize the essential goals of men and women as well as needs of the larger framework of how the base animal instincts tend to overcome us and get us into trouble leading to financial disaster and moral ruin. With this in mind i have established many long term relationships always by being totally up front and making sure the woman knows very firmly that:

    1. I will not permit any relationship that leads to marriage/Kids which basically amounts to the loss of personal freedom.
    2. A woman must have her own career and very successful at it and derives satisfaction at her own success. (hence a strong woman).
    3. Everything has its own time and place. Prior friendships are never lost nor forgotten they remain into the afterlife. New relationships do not “override” prior ones.
    4. Friendship is forever– lust and love are transitory feelings never trust them they will deceive you at first advantage
    5. Men create civilization and women have the inclination to keep it going. Men= Ideals/ pursuit of Reason and create ideas while Women= feelings,simple family life, base instincts.
    6. Never let a women feel she is important too often. A weak man lets a woman decide too many things in his life and it leads to his downfall eventually.


  • I understand where you’re coming from dude.  This sounds like my most recent episode, with some differences.  In my “adventure”, I went for option #2, because that’s actually how I felt.  After talking about things for awhile, I realize now that she didn’t feel the same way in return.  Maybe she did at first, but for whatever reason, that simply went away.  I don’t want to go into details, but after this realization, I switched over to option #1, because talking about things just seemed to be a waste of time, and ultimately hurt more than it helped.  Sounds like what a lot of people are saying here…

    Anyway, that’s just where my story is similar to yours.  Everyone else is right when they talk about financial stability, especially regarding the kid.  I don’t have any kids, but I agree that yours should be priority #1.  And to what switch said about keeping a “log” of baby-momma’s activities, I agree there too.  Kids are a responsibility, and if one of the parents is not living up to their end of the bargain, then they should be held accountable.  It sounds cold, but that’s the way I would handle it.  Best of luck to you man.



  • Well, the full story can’t be conveyed easily, and I’m definitely guilty of some things.  I’ve never cheated on this girl, but she has felt hurt when we have broken up and I started seeing someone.  I never heard the end of it.  Now I can’t say anything even as a joke before she gets upset.

    But things are up and down - this has been going for a while.  I’m not out of the house yet, and the reason I paid for everything is because we didn’t do childcare and she watched him during the day.  I felt it was an even trade.

    Ultimately her actions aren’t matching her words, but she’s finally opening up.  And I’m finally able to let go, and told her so, and have showed her my new plans, and I think she’s second guessing herself.

    I told her that I’m upset but not mad at her.  I think I did some stupid things, but this is worse than that and only shows she is human.  And that I truly love her, so I can forgive and forget and really want to make us serious.  Unfortunately I may have missed the train that’s been waiting for years.

    She’s been going out a lot, and I think that part of it is being cooped up with a kid and locked down for so long.  Plus, she’s never had many friends and so had few opportunities unless we made them.  So I understand a lot of this.  But I told her that she’s not being a very good parent or friend when she knows what she is doing is bothering me and practically taking advantage of me, and that she’s not recognizing that our son has the priority here. I reiterated that in a few days, when I’m gone, her life is going to be very different and much harder.

    She’s warmed up a bunch to me, but I still don’t like where we are.  It definitely sounds worse than it is.

    So here’s what I’m doing.  I think the best path is to avoid arguments, as much as you want an I’m sorry.  However, tell them how you feel.  You’d regret it if you didn’t say: I love you, I want to make us work, and I hate throwing away our history.

    I’ve been channeling my frustrations into positive energy, like working out, getting projects done, finding new hobbies (I’ve decided to get my civilian pilot license  8-) ), and I think she’s noticing.

    My next step may be to cut off contact unless absolutely necessary.  I hear that it can do wonders in winning someone back.  I certainly want her back if we can achieve what we have yet really worked for…

    I think all of you gave some sound advice.


  • 2018 2017 2016 '11 Moderator

    Hey, I heard on the radio today that all celebrity couples either end up married or split up.

    I wonder what non-celebrity couples get? (Yea, it was probably repeated from somewhere else, but I heard it on the radio.)



  • See a lawyer….

    like yesterday.

    Think of yourself/kid first.



  • Well I don’t really want to dig into your private life, so I’ll just say this…

    I know what I did in my case.  I also know what the girl did, at least as far as having enough information to know that I was neglected and treated like sh*t.  I also SUSPECT that she was cheating, but can’t prove it beyond a shadow of a doubt.  What I do know is that she DID lie to me about something that I had brought to her attention, claiming that it was all rumors and heresay.  I found out from the other party involved that it was indeed true.  Between the break-up and this revelation, she told me that she would still like to be friends, and also said that she had dealt straight with me the whole time, never lying.  Then I find out about this, and, well…

    Anyway, you and the girl are the only ones who know the whole story.  What I did in my case is add up everything that I had done to hurt her, and give her the benefit of the doubt about what she had done.  Only when I could PROVE something, did I treat it as actual fact.  And now that I can prove this, I don’t think she deserved me to begin with, and certainly wouldn’t make a good friend either.

    So I told mine that I wish I would rather have met her in about 10-15 years, when she was done with scandalous hijinx like this.  The same thing might generally apply to your case; maybe after enough time, she’ll realize that she sh*t on you, and come to terms with the fact that SHE screwed up.  Sorry to imprint my story onto yours, but they just seem remarkably similar.



  • I have a family friend that I’ve contacted about my rights and responsibilities.  The thing is, she got pissy when I told her my parents recommended seeing a lawyer just to know what’s up.  But she understood later, and her parents thought it was a good idea as well.

    My parents know everything: my mistakes and hers.  But she has never said a word to her parents and believes that they don’t have any business with the matter.  I feel bad that she can’t talk to her parents and that she is afraid to do so.  She thinks they will judge her (and they would) about how this went down and how much she’s been going out lately and staying out so late (4, 5, or 6am).  She was upset when I naturally told her she is neglecting her status as a mother, besides disrespecting me.

    And yeah, I warned her that I’m going to be cutting a lot of stuff off.  She can’t have her cake and eat it too.

    But I would gladly give everything up just to have her again…or to have never had this other guy happen.  Who she is still into…

    I’ve read a bunch of stuff on what I need to do, and no I need to do it, but damn, I can’t shake this.  It’s infested my mind.  I just know I’ll come out of it, but why does it have to happen?


  • 2017 2016 2015 Organizer '14 Customizer '13 '12 '11 '10

    I just know I’ll come out of it, but why does it have to happen?

    Because you want to keep all your options open and you can only choose one option ( the cake and eat it too problem is also your problem IMO)


  • 2007 AAR League

    there is always life after.

    hell they came out with youporn.com didnt they!

    other than that, things can be done….its seldom true that things cant ever be done about a situation.



  • OK, you are now in no-mans-land… neither split up, nor together.

    PERSONAL BANK ACCOUNT!  I cannot stress this enough.

    If you have a joint account, take control of it, and use it ONLY to pay joint bills (mortgage/rent, electric, etc.  NEVER trust her to mail checks for monthly bills (I made that mistake also, and ended up FOUR months behind on almost everything before the split as she took cash and ran up debt).

    Secure your place EMOTIONALLY with your child.  You should be doing this anyway… being the FATHER.  But it is doubly important now, especially if you want this child to be something other than a monthly check to the Ex, and every other weekend of your life…

    Start planning your escape route.  Determine what property of yours you are going to want if you have to move out.  Start checking out apartments, etc. that you can move into and afford.  Move valuables and very important personal items to a safe location (your parents place…).

    You can ALWAYS move your stuff back in.  But you can never get it back once it is gone. 
    You can’t recover the cash in your bank account when it is gone. 
    You can;t get rid of Herpes once you have it (thank the Gods I missed out on that “present” when I split from my Ex)

    You HAVE gained temporary stability… TAKE ADVANTAGE OF IT to secure your own position.

    And, if it does work out, you go back in to the relationship from a position of STRENGTH, not a position of weakness…



  • @Imperious:

    I just know I’ll come out of it, but why does it have to happen?

    Because you want to keep all your options open and you can only choose one option ( the cake and eat it too problem is also your problem IMO)

    WRONG!!

    You fell in love with her, and you did for a reason.  She is imprinted on certain parts of your brain.  The amygdala, specifically, where certain “her” receptors are waiting for their dopamine.  You have memories of the amazing things that she did for you.  She is the mother of your children, and you will see her in their eyes for as long as you live.

    For a worthwhile author on this subject (this guy is a genius when it comes to mental/emotional healing - just FYI he does have a “faith background) - Henri Nouwen is a wonderful choice:
    Your body needs to be held and to hold, to be touched and to touch. None of these needs is to be despised, denied, or repressed. But you have to keep searching for your body’s deeper need, the need for genuine love. Every time you are able to go beyond the body’s superficial desires for love, you are bringing your body home and moving toward integration and unity.” - The Inner Voice of Love


  • 2017 2016 2015 Organizer '14 Customizer '13 '12 '11 '10

    You fell in love with her, and you did for a reason.  She is imprinted on certain parts of your brain.  The amygdala, specifically, where certain “her” receptors are waiting for their dopamine.  You have memories of the amazing things that she did for you.  She is the mother of your children, and you will see her in their eyes for as long as you live.

    For a worthwhile author on this subject (this guy is a genius when it comes to mental/emotional healing - just FYI he does have a “faith background) - Henri Nouwen is a wonderful choice:
    Your body needs to be held and to hold, to be touched and to touch. None of these needs is to be despised, denied, or repressed. But you have to keep searching for your body’s deeper need, the need for genuine love. Every time you are able to go beyond the body’s superficial desires for love, you are bringing your body home and moving toward integration and unity.” - The Inner Voice of Love

    I can only assume that was some sort of joke? yes?

    Either that or its a South Park  “Mrs. Garrison” type of Rhetorical speech where they make fun of Psychobabble?



  • That’s good advice, Switch, but I don’t think it’s that bad off.

    She basically kicked me out, but since I paid all of Sept. rent and bills, I said no until Oct. 1st.

    I’ve already rented a storage facility and have moved most of it there.  Pretty much everything will be gone by this weekend.  Only a few things will remain, which I’m pretty much lending because I don’t need them and don’t care to have them (pots & pans, tv, vcr/dvd combo, etc.) and don’t want her to get completely pissed at me, even though she should understand. I’ll be moving in with my parents, who are pretty excited, and will be saving a ton of money to buy a house or go back to school.  Oh yeah, and getting that pilot’s license.

    We never had a shared bank account, I just paid for everything.  But all the bills except the phone are in her name, so not much to do there.  She’s going to have a heck of a time because she is financially strapped ($4k in credit card debt on frivolous purchases), needs another roommate, and probably won’t give up her spending habits.  I’m only going to be giving her about $200 a month, but it’s not going to be enough if she doesn’t change quite a bit.

    I’ve been spending a hell of a lot of time with my son as he is the only thing that makes me feel better.  Not to mention watching him as she’s been going out more and more. But I will be seeing him less, and that makes me so sad.

    So it will be cut off time very soon, and I’m worried about her health.  But I’ve come to understand that I have to worry about my own and move on.  Unfortunately, we will be attached forever, but that just may be the thing that brings her back.  I hope for it, but not holding my breath.

    Thanks everyone for your help.


  • 2019 Moderator

    I think if things ever go bad between my wife and I, I’ll probably move to LA and become a porn star for a few years, that should fix all those pesky brain chemicals!  You might want to think about that…

    Hey, I just remembmered, my wife has a girlfriend in Tomahawk, last I knew she was single… 😉



  • For myself, the idea is to go as long as humanly possible to not use the word “love”. I know it must sound rediculous but I have found that when the moment that word gets blurted out in a relationship, everything else from then on is compounded and intesified. They say it too much…. they don’t say it enough… they looked at someone else for too long… you become way more paranoid… on guard…
    Arguments can get more serious. Feelings can be hurt easier…
    I have been with my girlfriend for almost a year now. And it has been tempting to take it into the lover’s realm. But since I have held back, our relationship is in good standing.

    Now I know some of you will not agree. And I understand that. But when it comes to a situation like Jermo here has, it would be easier for him to let go without having to feel ripped off by a simple word.

    Let her go, dude. And show her you can without regret. That will hit hardest for her and allow you to keep a whole lot of dignity.


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