“Hi”-pochondriac: Child who squeals “Hi!” to the creepy teens smoking pot in the supermarket parking lot - but screams “I don’t like you! Go away!” to the sweet lady next door who knits Barbie-doll drsses for her.

Mannequin-Depressive Disorder: Syndrome in which the child bursts into tears at the sight of a decapitated, armless mannequin dressed only in capri pants.

Pie-romaniac: A child who is mysteriously gripped by an appetite-robbing illness during dinner that resolves itself moments before dessert is served.

Playdough-masochist: A child who insists on mixing all the colors of his clay together, then wails at the resulting mud-colored lump.

Cat-atonic: A child who freezes in fear at the sight of the neighbot’s kitten, Fluffy.

Paironoia: An intractable reluctance to dress in matching socks.

Neapolitan Complex: An irrational need to shun all but one flavor in a dish of chocolate, strawberry and vanilla ice cream.

Border Line Personality: A child who suffers profound emotional damage when he’s served a dinner in which the vegetables and meat touch each other.

Insomnia: A newborn’s ability to deny her mother any reasonable amount of shut-eye.

Schizofriendia: A little one’s state of constant indecision about which pal to invite over for a playdate.

Claus-trophobe: A child who screams any time he’s within five feet of a department store Santa Clause.

Carcolepsy: A child’s inability to make it six blocks ina moving vehicle before dozing off.

Delusional Disorder: “Mommy, I DID put my toys away!”