• exactly! please just the comedy here and please leave your other problems at the door. You can explain your problems with the valet attendant after he is tipped.

    I would remove Jennifer from that list however…


  • During the Clinton Administration I had an extremely good and well paying job. I took numerous vacations and had several vacation homes. Since President Bush took office, I have watched my entire life change for the worse. I lost my job. I lost my two sons in that terrible Iraqi War. I lost my homes. I lost my health insurance. As a matter of fact I lost virtually everything and became homeless. Adding insult to injury, when the authorities found me living like an animal, instead of helping me, they arrested me. I will do anything to insure that a Democrat is back in the White House in 2008. Bush has to go.

    Sincerely,

    Saddam Hussein

    JIHAD HUMOR - MUSLIM JOKES by stand-up comic Goffaq Yussef.

    Good evening gentlemen, and get out, ladies.

    On my flight to New York there must have been a Jew in the bathroom the entire time. There was a sign on the door that said “occupied.”

    What do you say to a Muslim woman with two black eyes? Nothing! You told her twice already!

    How many Palestinians does it take to change a light bulb? None! They sit in the dark forever and blame the Jews for it!

    Did you hear about the Broadway play, The Palestinians ? It bombed!

    What do you call a first-time offender in Saudi Arabia? Lefty!

    Did you hear about the Muslim strip club? It features full facial nudity!

    Why do Palestinians find it convenient to live on the West Bank? Because just a stone’s throw from Israel!

    Why are Palestinian boys luckier than American boys? Because every Palestinian boy will get to join a rock group!

    A small plane carrying Yassir Arafat and all his top lieutenants crashes and all aboard are killed. Who is saved? The Palestinian people!

    A Palestinian suspect was being grilled by Israeli police. “Honest, I’m not a suicide bomber,” he said. “I didn’t say I wanted to blow myself up so I could sleep with 72 virgins. All I said was I’m dying to get laid!”

    What does the sign say above the nursery in a Palestinian maternity ward? “Live ammunition.”

    A Palestinian girl says to her mommy, “After Abdul blows up, can I have his room?”


  • A priest had lost his cock (Male hen) and didn’t know where to find it. So at the sermon next day he asked, “Has anybody got the cock?” All the men stood up.

    “No! no! I mean has anybody seen the cock?” All the women folk stood up.

    “No! no! I mean has anybody seen my cock?” All the nuns stood up.
    –----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    An old Jewish beggar was out on the street, begging with his tin cup. A man passed by and the beggar said to the man, “Sir, could you spare 3 cents for a cup of coffee?”

    And the man said, “Where do get coffee for 3 cents?”

    And the beggar said, “Who buys retail?”


  • These are pretty sick…

    Q: Why did the little girl fall off the swing?
    A: Because she had no arms.

    Q: How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?
    A: Pick him up and suck his d*ck.

    EEeeeewwwww…  :-(


  • @F_alk:

    @Jennifer:

    Perhaps there’s a reason for the anti-French sentiment found in the world today, CC?

    (1) USA =NOT= world.
    (2) And, you would be surprised. The world does not have an anti-French sentiment. It has an anti-USA-sentiment.

      Even if they determine, through their open minded self examination, that it’s not their fault.  (Much like that geek in elementary school determines that the entire school is picking on him or her for no reason….it can’t be because s/he doesnt fit in, right?)

    Now, read again the corrections to the first and second mistake you made.

    Falk, I wish you would stop with this kind of thing.  Maybe in your socialist world some those people may not dislike the French, but the majority of people do.  This is not something to argue about, you are wrong.  I have met 100s of people throughout the world and almost every single one of them have had nothing nice to say about the French.  Hey, go on an international chat room and ask what people think of the french.

    If you believe otherwise you are living in a fantasy world.  As with anything that does not match what you believe, you go into denial.

    You are also right about people not liking Americans, that’s all fine and good.  But you are insane to think that the vast majority of the world has anything but disdain for the French, and deserevedly so.


  • @Wargaming_nut:

    Falk, Jen, CC; shove it. Can you people ever stop fighting like a bunch of three year olds? You manage to turn any thread you wish into a personal vendetta against each other, and speaking on behalf of most of the forums (unless they wish to correct me), it’s pathetic.

    So i find jokes about people who get killed by firebombing tasteless.  I’m not caring that you have a problem with this.


  • If you find a post offensive, message the offending person and tell him so, or even go so far as to report it to a mod. But no one here cares how it makes you “feel,” and we don’t you need you posting on the thread to let everyone know how offended you are.


  • @Wargaming_nut:

    If you find a post offensive, message the offending person and tell him so, or even go so far as to report it to a mod. But no one here cares how it makes you “feel,” and we don’t you need you posting on the thread to let everyone know how offended you are.

    Last time i took a USie by this word and replied in kind, the thread got closed after the worst of that pack started to flame like the idiots they are.
    So, the USies do “care about they themselves feel”, but somehow for the rest of the world it is not allowed to care for their own feelings.If you really think so “get intercourse” … and best: complain about “double standards against the US” and “hipocrisy”, that makes it all much more believable.


  • @Wargaming_nut:

    If you find a post offensive, message the offending person and tell him so, or even go so far as to report it to a mod. But no one here cares how it makes you “feel,” and we don’t you need you posting on the thread to let everyone know how offended you are.

    gee
    tell me how this makes you feel?
    oh yeah - you already did.
    and i still don’t care.


  • Awesome jokes guys…  I cant stop laughing  :-D :x


  • This is for Falk… hopefully he will smile for a change-

    How many Amerikans does it take to prosecute a sex crime?
    Answer: 535–435 in the House, 100 in the Senate

    How do Republicans reduce unemployment?
    Answer: By prosecuting oral sex.

    How do Republicans increase unemployment?
    Answer: They cut spending on Monica Lewinsky.

    How many times did employers fire Saddam Hussein?
    Answer: Only once, the CIA paid for the rest of his work.

    How many wives does the average Amerikan husband have?
    Answer: 10, 1 at home and 9 in Utah.

    How does the Amerikan womyn avoid the singles bar scene?
    Answer: She marries her kidnapper.

    How many Amerikans does it take to catch and prosecute child-abusing polygamists?
    Answer: No one knows: it’s never been tried.

    How many Amerikans does it take to buy a gallon of gas?
    Answer: 250,000 to seize it and one to pump it.

    Why do Amerikan wars always come in twos?
    Answer: The first one creates terrorists and the second one does too.


  • Time and again in the last two centuries, France has refused to come to grips with its diminished status as a country whose greatest general was a foreigner, whose greatest warrior was a teenage girl, and whose last great military victory came on the plains of Wagram in 1809.
            - John J. Miller and Mark Molesky, “Our Oldest Enemy”

    The French are revolting. This is not a subjective judgment but a statement of fact.

    Pakistanis may dislike and mistrust the Americans at the moment, but that’s as nought compared with what they think about the Indians. They really, really properly hate Indians. Indeed, hating Indians is almost a defining patriotic characteristic of being Pakistani.
            - AA Gill, “The London Times”

    The Japanese take snapshots of everything, not just everything famous but everything. Back in Tokyo there must be a billion colour slides of street corners, phone booths, fire hydrants and overhead electrical wires. What are the Japanese doing with all these pictures? Its probably a question we should have asked before Pearl Harbour.

    “France, home to the world’s greatest painters, chefs and anti-Semites. The French, cowardly yet opinionated, arrogant yet foul-smelling, anti-Israel, anti-American, and of course, as always, Jew-hating. Paris, the city of whores, dog feces on every corner, and effete men yelling anti-Semitic remarks at childern. The real creme de la creme of world culture. With all that’s going on in the world, isn’t it time we got back to hating … the French?”

    - Saturday Night Live

    More for CC-

    “So you’re French and Canadian, yes? So you’re obnoxious and dull? You’re in North America, learn the language!”

    - Triumph the Insult Dog is let loose in Quebec by Conan O’Brien on “Late Night”

    “Don’t mind her: she’s French-Canadian. Some days she’s Canadian and can be quite pleasant. Today she’s obviously French.”

    - from “Vertical Limit”

    The conscientious Canadian critic is one who subscribes to the New York Times so that he knows first hand what his opinion should be.

    - Eric Nicol, 1968

    Americans are benevolently ignorant about Canada, while Canadians are malevolently well informed about the United States.

    • J. Bartlett Brebner

    “Canada has at last produced a political leader worthy of assassination.”

    • Irving Layton about Pierre Trudeau

    “He has a French name, he thinks like an Englishman, and he looks like an Indian. We all feel very guilty about the Indians here in Canada.”
            - Marshall McLuhan, explaining Pierre Trudeau’s longevity in Canadian politics

    For some reason a glaze passes over people’s faces when you say “Canada”. Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something.

    • Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to the U.S.

    God has made Canada one of those nations which cannot be conquered and cannot be destroyed, except by itself.

    • Norman Angell, “Canada’s Best Service for British Ideals” (1913)

    Canadian consumers race across the border to buy the kind of cheap goods that a country with low wages and a third-rate social security system can produce. So empty are their lives, apparently, that a three-hour lineup of cars at the border coming back is viewed as an acceptable trade-off.

    • Charles Gordon

    “If I had a dollar for every time I had 60 cents I would be Canada.”

    - caption from a “Toothpaste for Dinner” cartoon


  • Falk: I don’t believe I have ever flamed you. So accusing people with whom I share a country of being hypocrites, and therefore disregarding my requests to stick to the subject is, frankly, stupid.

    CC: Are you incapable of seeing how silly and childish you sound? Am I talking to a wall here? Oh, forget it. Mods, do me a favor and delete every non-joke post here, including my own, please.


  • Thank you nut.  I think that’s the direction people need to go.  How come when an issue gets off-subject, the mods delete it or move it.  But when it’s something like this, where people can get offended (one of the greatest cop-outs of our society by the way)  especially when one or more of the mods put in their two cents, then the filtering process simply goes away.  Just because you’re getting pissed about an issue, that doesn’t mean that you can quit doing what mods do!  :x


  • @AgentOrange:

    Thank you nut.  I think that’s the direction people need to go.   How come when an issue gets off-subject, the mods delete it or move it.  But when it’s something like this, where people can get offended (one of the greatest cop-outs of our society by the way)  especially when one or more of the mods put in their two cents, then the filtering process simply goes away.  Just because you’re getting pissed about an issue, that doesn’t mean that you can quit doing what mods do!  :x

    i’m not modding.
    if i did i would delete every racist “joke” i saw here.
    And 'Nut - you started getting personal with:

    Falk, Jen, CC; shove it. Can you people ever stop fighting like a bunch of three year olds? You manage to turn any thread you wish into a personal vendetta against each other, and speaking on behalf of most of the forums (unless they wish to correct me), it’s pathetic.

    in response to a “joke” i made regarding another “joke”.
    So here - have another helping of my poo - maybe that will keep your mouth shut.  (did you like that joke?  not quite making-fun-of-bombing-victims, but still funny, no?)


  • This is kinda tasteless but funny indeed… LMFAO

    What’s better than winning a Gold medal at the special olympics?

    • Not being a retard!

    ok now somebody had to do this:

    Your Mama So Fat joke section:

    when she step on the Weight Scales it says…‘to be continued’…

    when she bends over, we enter Daylight Saving Time.

    she was measured at 38-26-36 and that was just the left arm…

    when I had to swerve to avoid hitting her on the road I ran out of Petrol!

    when she auditioned for a part in Raiders of the Lost Ark she got the part of the big Rolling Ball.

    she wears an ‘X’ jacket and Copters attempt to land on her  lol!

    she shows up on radar.

    she wears an asteroid belt.

    she got a new gig at the Cinema…she works as the screen


  • @cystic:

    i’m not modding.

    CC,

    For good, just this post, or as a temporary thing?

    I don’t know whether or not to be sorry to hear this.  On the one hand, you have been a good moderator IMO and some posters clearly need moderation (though I am certain that DM, dezertfish, and Yanny are up to the challenge).  On the other hand, you now don’t need to deal with the … stupidity … that is so prevalent.  :|


  • Not to help another to influence a hijack of this thread but… CC wears his “heart of his sleeve” way too much to be a moderator where he IS basically "the issue"  or “at issue” with others to be impartial judge of how things should be conducted. Its like having Col. Sanders watching the hens!  NO that is not anything but an accurate statement so dont start. But lets just keep this thread pure of jokes only…

    PS: Id have to say in his defense that he can think logically and back up his points with accurate information but just a bit touchy or “sensitive”


  • CC wears his “heart of his sleeve” way too much to be a moderator where he IS basically "the issue"  or “at issue” with others to be impartial judge of how things should be conducted.

    I don’t think having an opinion on a certain topic, or desiring a discussion where one can learn new viewpoints on complex issues should disqualify one as a moderator.  The problem arises not when a moderator has views (everyone does) but when a moderator is unable to step outside his viewpoints to address the moderating requirements at hand.  While CC does have passion on many subjects (usually different than my opinions  :? ) I’ve seen him put aside his opinions and address items in need of a moderator.  But you are correct, this is off topic, so…


    A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, “Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?” A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, “It’s my dog. Why?”

    “Well,” squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, “I believe my dog just killed it, sir.” “What?” roared the big man in disbelief. “What in the hell kind of dog do you have?” “Sir,” answered the little man, “it’s a little four week old female puppy.” “Bull!” roared the biker, “how could your puppy kill my Doberman?” “It appears that your dog choked on her, sir.”


    An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said “yes”. The next morning when he awoke, he couldn’t remember what her answer was! “Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny…” After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn’t remember her answer to the marriage proposal. “Oh”, she said, “I’m so glad you called. I remembered saying ‘yes’ to someone, but I couldn’t remember who it was.”


    A well dressed business man was walking down the street when a little kid covered in soot said to him respectfully, “Sir, can you tell me the time?” The portly man stopped, carefully unbuttoned his coat and jacket, removed a large watch from a vest pocket, looked at it and said, “It is a quarter to three, young man.” “Thanks,” said the boy. “At exactly three o’clock you can kiss my ass.” With that, the kid took off running, and with an angry cry, the outraged businessman started chasing him. He had not been running long when an old friend stopped him. “Why are you running like this at your age?” asked the friend. Gasping and almost incoherent with fury, the business man said, “That little brat asked me the time and when I told him it was quarter to three he told me that at exactly three, I should kiss his ass!” “So what’s your hurry,” said the friend. “You still have ten minutes.”


  • @Wargaming_nut:

    Falk: I don’t believe I have ever flamed you. So accusing people with whom I share a country of being hypocrites, and therefore disregarding my requests to stick to the subject is, frankly, stupid.

    I was not talking about you directly but about others with regard to the flaming.
    “Accusing people with whom you share a country”…. of course i do that. These people (pre)judge everyone of other countries. I do that to parts of your countrymen.
    Still, you seem to think that the first is ok, the second is not.
    Do you not see in which direction you are putting yourself?

    If they put shit on other nationalities, and i put shit on them, and you feel offended … maybe it is your job to keep your countrymen in line ???

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