Best jokes

@Wargaming_nut:

Falk: I don’t believe I have ever flamed you. So accusing people with whom I share a country of being hypocrites, and therefore disregarding my requests to stick to the subject is, frankly, stupid.

I was not talking about you directly but about others with regard to the flaming.
“Accusing people with whom you share a country”…. of course i do that. These people (pre)judge everyone of other countries. I do that to parts of your countrymen.
Still, you seem to think that the first is ok, the second is not.
Do you not see in which direction you are putting yourself?

If they put shit on other nationalities, and i put shit on them, and you feel offended … maybe it is your job to keep your countrymen in line ???

@Imperious:

Not to help another to influence a hijack of this thread but… CC wears his “heart of his sleeve” way too much to be a moderator where he IS basically “the issue”  or “at issue” with others to be impartial judge of how things should be conducted. Its like having Col. Sanders watching the hens!  NO that is not anything but an accurate statement so dont start. But lets just keep this thread pure of jokes only…

PS: Id have to say in his defense that he can think logically and back up his points with accurate information but just a bit touchy or “sensitive”

I disagree… CC has served this forum with a acute understanding of the rules and has always been willing to take a case and handle it separately from another… Yes he has gotten pretty attached and dogged in some threads, but then again it is impossible to not have a bias… just as long as you never use your authority to fulfill your opinion of that bias… Then, this would not be a forum of free speech, but of robots controlled by the whims of Mods and Admins, and to this date I have not seen that (I’ve been here since the fall of '03)…

GG

I meant my concern as a general statement of how he conducts himself as a poster. I have no information as to his duties as a moderator ands i am not sure he acted as such since i joined up in august 2005. You will note that ……wait this is a thread about JOKES so ill stop.

Back to the jokes…

How many Druids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, Druids screw in stone circles.

How many Asatruar (Norse religion) does it take to screw in a lighbulb?
None, the light from the burning monestary is good enough for them!

(there are a few hundred more, but unless you are REALLY up on your knowledge of various Neo-Pagan religions, you would not understand them.)

How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?

1. One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
      2. Two. One to hold the diet cola and the other to get her accompanist to do it.
      3. Four. One to change the bulb and three to pull the chair out from under her.

What’s the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and the average All-Pro offensive lineman?
    Stage makeup.

What’s the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor?
    About 10 pounds.

How do you tell if a Wagnerian soprano is dead?
    The horses seem very relieved.

What’s the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?
    Most musicians have never been in a Porsche.

How many Asatruar (Norse religion) does it take to screw in a lighbulb?
None, the light from the burning monestary is good enough for them!

I like these give us more… they are different

Recently watched “the producers” for the third time and i just love the songs… too funny!

Springtime for Hitler/ Heil myself lyrics:

Germany was having trouble
What a sad, sad story
Needed a new leader to restore
Its former glory
Where, oh, where was he?
Where could that man be?
We looked around and then we found
The man for you and me

LEAD TENOR STORMTROOPER:
And now it’s…
Springtime for Hitler and Germany
Deutschland is happy and gay!
We’re marching to a faster pace
Look out, here comes the master race!
Springtime for Hitler and Germany
Rhineland’s a fine land once more!
Springtime for Hitler and Germany
Watch out, Europe
We’re going on tour!
Springtime for Hitler and Germany…

CHORUS:
Look, it’s springtime
LEAD TENOR STORMTROOPER:
Winter for Poland and France
CHORUS AND STORMTROOPER:
Springtime for Hitler and Germany!
CHORUS:
Springtime! Springtime!
Springtime! Springtime!
Springtime! Springtime!
Springtime! Springtime!
STORMTROOPER:
Come on, Germans
Go into your dance!
STORMTROOPER “ROLF”:
I was born in Dusseldorf und that is why they call me Rolf.
STORMTROOPER “MEL”:
Don’t be stupid, be a smarty, come and join the Nazi party!
ULLA:
The Fuhrer is coming, the Fuhrer is coming, the Fuhrer is coming!
STORMTROOPER #1:
Heil Hitler!
STORMTROOPER #2:
Heil Hitler!
LEAD TENOR STORMTROOPER:
Heil Hitler!
Springtime for Hitler and Germany
ALL:
Heil Hitler!

ROGER:
Heil myself
Heil to me
I’m the kraut
Who’s out to change our history
Heil myself
Raise your hand
There’s no greater
Dictator in the land!
Everything I do, I do for you!
CHORUS:
Yes, you do!
ROGER:
If you’re looking for a war, here’s World War Two!
Heil myself
Raise your beer
CHORUS:
Jawohl!
ROGER:
Ev’ry hotsy-totsy Nazi stand and cheer
CHORUS:
Hooray!
Ev’ry hotsy-totsy Nazi…
ROGER:
Heil myself!
CHORUS:
Ev’ry hotsy-totsy Nazi…
ROGER:
Heil myself!
CHORUS:
Ev’ry hotsy-totsy Nazi…
ROGER:
…stand and cheer!
THE HEIL-LOs:
The Fuhrer is causing a furor!
He’s got those Russians on the run
You gotta love that wacky hun!
The Fuhrer is causing a furor
They can’t say “no” to his demands
They’re freaking out in foreign lands
He’s got the whole world in his hands
The Fuhrer is causing a furor!
ROGER:
I was just a paper hanger
No one more obscurer
Got a phone call from the Reichstag
Told me I was Fuhrer
Germany was blue
What, oh, what to do?
Hitched up my pants
And conquered France
Now Deutschland’s smiling through!
But it wasn’t always so easy…
It was 1932. Hindenburg was working the Big Room and I…
I was playing the lounge. And then I got my big break.
Somebody burned down the Reichstag. And, would you believe it?
They made me Chancellor. Chancellor!
It ain’t no myst’ry
If it’s politics or hist’ry
The thing you gotta know is
Ev’rything is show biz
Heil myself
Watch my show
I’m the German Ethel Merman
Dontcha know
We are crossing borders
The new world order is here
Make a great big smile
Ev’ryone sieg heil to me
Wonderful me!
And now it’s…
CHORUS:
Springtime for Hitler and Germany
Goose-step’s the new step today

ROGER:
Springtime!
Goose-steps!
CHORUS MEN:
Bombs falling from the skies again
CHORUS:
Deutschland is on the rise again
ROGER & CHORUS:
Springtime for Hitler and Germany
U-boats are sailing once more
Springtime for Hitler and Germany
ROGER:
Means that…
CHORUS:
Soon we’ll be going…
ROGER:
We’ve got to be going…
CHORUS:
You know we’ll be going…
ROGER:
You bet we’ll be going…
ROGER & CHORUS:
You know we’ll be going to war!!

certainly one of the best movies of 2005. Set some time aside and watch it.

Before we get back to teh lightbulbs…

What do you call 13 Witches in a hot tub?
A self cleaning coven.

And back to the lighbulbs…

How many Druids does it take to change a lightbulb?
one to hold the bulb and 12 to drink enough to make the room spin.

How many Druids does it take to change a lightbulb?
501. One to change the bulb and 500 to align the new stone.

How many Family traditionalists does it take to change a light bulb?
Candle light was good enough for our ancestors, it’s good enough for us!

How many Brit.Trad WItches does it take to change a light bulb?
13. One to change the bulb, and 12 to mourn the passing of the old bulb.

How many Gardnerians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Can’t say. It’s oathbound.

How many Starhawk witches does it take to change a light bulb?
(plaintevely) “There are starving villiages in Africa that don’t even HAVE light bulbs…”

How many Frost “School of Wicca” witches does it take to change a light bulb?
“Just you! That’s right, YOU! And for only $195 we’ll send you our complete “Witches Magic Power of Light Bulb Changing Course” with real knowledge that you can apply this to ANY light bulb ANYwhere! Listen to the testimony
of a young couple from Wisconsin who…”

How many Buckland witches does it take to change a light bulb?
“Refer to my second book, “Practical Light Bulb Changing” by Raymond Buckland…”

How many Pagans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Six. One to change it, and five to sit around complaining that lightbulbs never burned out before those damned Christains came along.

How many witches does it take to change a light bulb?
What do you want it changed into?

How many Golden Dawners does it take to change a light bulb?
One to hold the ladder, one to hold the bulb, three to decipher the Light Bulb Ritual from the Secret Chiefs, one to publish it, and one to sue all the others.

How many tantrics does it take to change a light bulb?
2 as long as the lamp is by the bed…

How many Cerimonial magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
One. They hold it up, and the world revolves around them.

How many years does it take for a New-ager to change a light bulb?
Well, it takes many many years, unless you pay $650 US non refundable, Visa or MC accepted. Then you can do it after the weekend intensive training seminar.

How many TechnoPagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
If the computer is still working, who cares about the light bulb.

And for Astrology Buffs…

How many Aries does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes a lot of light bulbs.

How many Tauruses does it take to change a light bulb?
What, me move?

How many Geminis does it take to change a light bulb?
II

How many Cancers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but he has to bring his mother.

How many Leos does it take to change a light bulb?
A dozen. One to change the bulb, and eleven to applaud.

How many Virgos does it take to change a light bulb?
One to clean out the socket, one to dust the bulb, one to install, and
two engineers to check the work.

How many Libras does it take to change a light bulb?
Libras can’t decide if the bulb needs to be changed.

How many Scorpios does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They LIKE the dark.

How many Sagittarians does it take to change a light bulb?
One to install the bulb, and a Virgo to pick up the pieces.

How many Capricorns does it take to change a light bulb?
The light’s fine as it is.

How many Aquarians does it take to change a light bulb?
Have you asked the bulb if it WANTS to be changed?

How many Pisceans does it take to change a light bulb?
What light bulb?

How many astrologers does it take to change a light bulb?
“Don’t ask me now, Mercury’s retrograde!”

Witches ride brooms because Nature abhors a vacuum!

Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze.
It maketh me to wake in green pastures.
It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.
It restoreth my buzz.
It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name’s sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction,
I will fear no Equal -
For thou art with me;
Thy cream and thy sugar they comfort me.
Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of The Starbucks.
Thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over.
Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the House of Mocha forever.

Our lager who art in barrels, hallowed be thy drink.
Thy beer doth come, I will be drunk, at home as in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head, and forgive us our spillages
as we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration, but deliver us from hangover.
For thine is the beer, the bitter, and the lager, forever and ever.
Barmen.

–-----------------------------------
Feeling Stressed Out?
Picture yourself near a stream.

Birds are softly chirping
in the crisp cool mountain air.

Nothing can bother you here.
No one knows
this secret place.

You are in total seclusion
from that place
called “the world.”

The soothing sound of a
gentle waterfall
fills the air
with a cascade
of serenity.

The water is clear.

You can easily
make out the face
of the person
whose head you’re
holding
under the water.