Best jokes



  • ok, lets here em…
    here are a few of my favorites…
      how many skinheads does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
                      1 to screw it in, and 20 of his buddies to back him up. :lol:

    what do you call mike tyson with no arms?
                  pussy pussy pussy!!!



  • A man comes home from work and says to his wife anxiously “Hurry, get me a beer!  It’s going to start any minute now!”.  Confused she goes to the fridge and gets him a beer.  As he his drinking it he chokes out, “get me another one!  It’s going to start any second!”  Agravated she gets another beer and gives it to him.  “Just ONE more beer, It’s about to start!!!”

    Finaly the wife says “LISTEN!  I clean your house, wash your clothes, raise your kids… and if YOU think you are just going to come home and plop your fat @$$ on the couch and drink beer you have another thing coming!!”

    Depressed the man looks down at the ground and says “Damn, it started”


  • 2017 '16 '15 Organizer '14 Customizer '13 '12 '11 '10

    “France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes.” —Mark Twain

    “I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me.” —General George S. Patton

    “Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion.” —Norman Schwartzkopf

    “We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it.” —Marge Simpson

    “As far as I’m concerned, war always means failure.” —Jacques Chirac, President of France

    “As far as France is concerned, you’re right.” —Rush Limbaugh

    “The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee.” —Regis Philbin

    “The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don’t know.” —P.J O’Rourke (1989)

    “You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn’t have the face for it.” —John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona

    “They’ve taken their own precautions against Al Qaeda. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house.” —Argus Hamilton

    “The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.” —Dennis Miller

    “I would call the French scumbags, but that, of course, would be a disservice to bags filled with scum. I say we invade Iraq, then invade Chirac.” —Dennis Miller

    “You know why the French don’t want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He IS French, people.” —Conan O’Brien

    “I don’t know why people are surprised that France won’t help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn’t help us get the Germans out of France!” —Jay Leno

    “The last time the French asked for ‘more proof,’ it came marching into Paris under a German flag.” —David Letterman

    How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb?
    One. He holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him.

    An old saying: Raise your right hand if you like the French…. Raise both hands if you are French.


  • 2017 '16 '15 Organizer '14 Customizer '13 '12 '11 '10

    Knock Knock

    Who’s there?

    Gestapo

    Gestapo who?

    Ve Vill ask ze Questions!

    jesse jokes…
    “Jesse Jackson was involved in a three-car crash this weekend. I understand that no one was hurt, but I understand that two of the women in the other cars are now pregnant.” —Jay Leno

    “There was a rumor that Jesse Jackson was going to go over there to talk with the Taliban, apparently they were having trouble rhyming the word Jihad.” —Jay Leno

    “Jesse Jackson’s wife was arrested in Puerto Rico while protesting the naval bombings there. Jesse said he was holding a meeting with four of his secretaries to decide what to do and that these meetings could run well into the night.” —Jay Leno

    “Jesse Jackson is on a 70-day tour in five cities. One of the problems in this country, he says, is poor people that can’t make a living wage. So starting today, he’s bumping up the payments he’s making to his mistresses by $10,000.” —Jay Leno

    “Jesse had unselfishly volunteered to go to China to help gain the release of the U.S. soldiers…He was going to go by himself, with no security. He was going to go alone. Once again, Jesse going in without protection.” —Jay Leno


  • 2017 '16 '15 Organizer '14 Customizer '13 '12 '11 '10

    Remember these are jokes and no i didnt write them but they are pretty good…

    French Military History in a Nutshell

    Gallic Wars: Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

    Hundred Years War: Mostly lost, saved at last by a female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare - “France’s armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchmen.”

    Italian Wars: Lost. France becomes the first and only country ever to lose two wars when fighting Italians.

    Wars of Religion: France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.

    Thirty Years’ War: France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

    War of Devolution: Tied; Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

    The Dutch War: Tied.

    War of the Augsburg League/King William’s War/French and Indian War: Lost, but claimed as a tie. Deluded Frogophiles the world over label the period as the height of French Military Power.

    War of the Spanish Succession: Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.

    American Revolution: In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as “de Gaulle Syndrome”, and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: “France only wins when America does most of the fighting”.

    French Revolution: Won, primarily due to the fact that the opponent was also French.

    The Napoleonic Wars: Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

    The Franco-Prussian War: Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France’s ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

    WWI: Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it’s like not only to sleep with a winner, but one who doesn’t call her “Fraulein.” Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

    WWII: Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

    War in Indochina: Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with Dien Bien Flu.

    Algerian Rebellion: Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a Western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare -“We can always beat the French.” This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese, and Eskimos.

    War on Terrorism: France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe.

    Id like to find some good German jokes to balance this out … i am still looking


  • 2017 '16 '15 Organizer '14 Customizer '13 '12 '11 '10

    Arnold Changes California’s Official Language

    The new California Governor has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the state, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

    As part of the negotiations, The Terminator’s Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as “Austro-English” (or, perhaps even better, “Austrionics”.)

    In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of the “k”. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

    There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with the “f”. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

    In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

    Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent “e” in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

    By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”.

    During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou” and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

    Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

    If zis mad yu smil, pleas pas it on to oza pepl.



  • 3 nuns are walking through a park.

    3 guys grab the nuns, pull them into the bushes and start raping them.

    The first nun cries out, “Oh Lord forgive these men for they know not what they do.”

    The second nun cries out, “Oh Lord forgive these men for they know not what they do.”

    And the third nun cries out, “Oh Lord I don’t know about the first two, but MINE sure knows what he is doing!”



  • @Imperious:

    Q: How many people fron Dresden can you fit in a mini ?

    A: About 25000 if you’ve got a shovel

    are you getting stupider?



  • CC, wasn’t that the sort of thing you should have PM’d him, instead of making an off-topic post about?

    A nun, a priest, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender sees them and says “What is this, a joke?”


  • 2017 '16 '15 Organizer '14 Customizer '13 '12 '11 '10

    are you getting stupider

    nice use of language skills! :roll:

    and i thought that was gonna balance the French jokes a bit which are far more tasteless. But they are still funny IMO. A bit of sweet and sour

    All you NEED to say is that its offensive to YOU and ill gladly remove it with pleasure. I dont need the “stupider” comments or you know who will lock up what is simply fun little jokefest… Lighten up please.



  • @Imperious:

    are you getting stupider

    nice use of language skills! :roll:

    if i thought i was talking with a mature reasonable adult, i would put something more into it.
    But a completely tasteless joke about the fire-y deaths of all of those people is pretty horrific.  My goodness - are you still cooking frogs with a magnifying glass?

    and i thought that was gonna balance the French jokes a bit which are far more tasteless. But they are still funny IMO. A bit of sweet and sour

    given the anti-French sentiment on this board and unwillingness by anyone to address it, i’ve given up banging my head against the wall here.

    All you NEED to say is that its offensive to YOU and ill gladly remove it with pleasure. I dont need the “stupider” comments or you know who will lock up what is simply fun little jokefest… Lighten up please.

    sub in “25000” for “3500” and sub “Dresden” in for “the twin towers”. 
    ahh well
    i should expect this from your kind by now.



  • 2 ants are running across a Cracker Jack box.

    The first ant says to the second ant “Why are we running across this Cracker Jack box?”

    And the second ant replies “Because it says ‘tear across dotted line.’”


  • 2017 '16 '15 Organizer '14 Customizer '13 '12 '11 '10

    As per your “request” i removed it. Did you like the French jokes? how bout jesse Jackson? did you even smile? can you smile?


  • 2017 '16 '15 Organizer '14 Customizer '13 '12 '11 '10

    Something for you… yea you

    A Jewish person, an American and a Canadian were riding in a car together and were involved in a very bad accident. The ambulance took them all to hospital together but they were just barely alive…as a matter of fact all three expired in the same operating room while doctors were working on them.

    Suddenly the three of them appeared in the clouds at St. Peters Gate and as they approached, St. Peter gestured to the American and said, “If you give me fifty dollars I’ll send you back…you are too young to be up here so soon.”

    The American whipped out fifty bucks and…poof! He jumped off the operating table in perfect conition! Not a scratch on him. The doctors were amazed and asked him how come?

    He said that all he knew is that the three of them were “up there” with St. Peter and when St. Peter asked him for fifty bucks to send him back…he paid it and…poof! Here he was!

    The doctors couldn’t help but be amazed and asked him, “You say those other two were up there with you?” (They were on the next two operating tables in the room) The American said “Yes they were.”

    The doctors then asked him, “Well what about them? Are they coming back too? What were they doing when you left?”

    The American said, “Well, all I can say is when I looked back at them just before I left the Jew was arguing about the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his!”

    Top 9 Reasons to be from Québec

    1)You cant beleive that a cashier in Ontario speaks french too!
    2)Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada
    3)The only province/territory to ever kidnap federal politicians
    4)The only province/territory to use terrorist tactics
    5)NON-smokers are the outcasts
    6)You can blame all your problems on the “Anglo bastards”
    7)Your Poutine doesn’t look like dung on your fries
    8)Your hockey team is made up entirely of dirty French guys
    9)The province with the oldest, nastiest hookers


  • 2017 '16 '15 Organizer '14 Customizer '13 '12 '11 '10

    A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too.

    Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.

    There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd.

    The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. “Because I am not an American.”

    “Then”, asks the teacher, “what are you?”

    “I’m a proud Canadian,” boasts the little girl.

    The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian. “Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I’m a Canadian too.”

    The teacher is now angry. “That’s no reason,” she says loudly. “What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?”

    A pause, and a smile. “Then,” says Kristen, “I’d be an American.”



  • That last one was fun.
    The Quebec one - well, it’s not so funny as it is too true.  You kind of just posted a small list of things that one finds when they are in Quebec (well - except for Hull, Montreal, etc.)


  • 2018 2017 '16 '11 Moderator

    @cystic:

    @Imperious:

    and i thought that was gonna balance the French jokes a bit which are far more tasteless. But they are still funny IMO. A bit of sweet and sour

    given the anti-French sentiment on this board and unwillingness by anyone to address it, i’ve given up banging my head against the wall here.

    Perhaps there’s a reason for the anti-French sentiment found in the world today, CC?  Perhaps it’s not the world that is at fault.  Perhaps it is the world that is at fault.  Either way, I really think the French need to figure out why - since WWII - they’ve been seen in bad light both on the cultural and military level.  Even if they determine, through their open minded self examination, that it’s not their fault.  (Much like that geek in elementary school determines that the entire school is picking on him or her for no reason….it can’t be because s/he doesnt fit in, right?)



  • Q: How do you fit 50 Cubans in a cardboard box?
    A: You tell them it floats.



  • @Jennifer:

    Perhaps there’s a reason for the anti-French sentiment found in the world today, CC?

    (1) USA =NOT= world.
    (2) And, you would be surprised. The world does not have an anti-French sentiment. It has an anti-USA-sentiment.

    Even if they determine, through their open minded self examination, that it’s not their fault.  (Much like that geek in elementary school determines that the entire school is picking on him or her for no reason….it can’t be because s/he doesnt fit in, right?)

    Now, read again the corrections to the first and second mistake you made.



  • Falk, Jen, CC; shove it. Can you people ever stop fighting like a bunch of three year olds? You manage to turn any thread you wish into a personal vendetta against each other, and speaking on behalf of most of the forums (unless they wish to correct me), it’s pathetic.


  • 2017 '16 '15 Organizer '14 Customizer '13 '12 '11 '10

    exactly! please just the comedy here and please leave your other problems at the door. You can explain your problems with the valet attendant after he is tipped.

    I would remove Jennifer from that list however…


  • 2017 '16 '15 Organizer '14 Customizer '13 '12 '11 '10

    During the Clinton Administration I had an extremely good and well paying job. I took numerous vacations and had several vacation homes. Since President Bush took office, I have watched my entire life change for the worse. I lost my job. I lost my two sons in that terrible Iraqi War. I lost my homes. I lost my health insurance. As a matter of fact I lost virtually everything and became homeless. Adding insult to injury, when the authorities found me living like an animal, instead of helping me, they arrested me. I will do anything to insure that a Democrat is back in the White House in 2008. Bush has to go.

    Sincerely,

    Saddam Hussein

    JIHAD HUMOR - MUSLIM JOKES by stand-up comic Goffaq Yussef.

    Good evening gentlemen, and get out, ladies.

    On my flight to New York there must have been a Jew in the bathroom the entire time. There was a sign on the door that said “occupied.”

    What do you say to a Muslim woman with two black eyes? Nothing! You told her twice already!

    How many Palestinians does it take to change a light bulb? None! They sit in the dark forever and blame the Jews for it!

    Did you hear about the Broadway play, The Palestinians ? It bombed!

    What do you call a first-time offender in Saudi Arabia? Lefty!

    Did you hear about the Muslim strip club? It features full facial nudity!

    Why do Palestinians find it convenient to live on the West Bank? Because just a stone’s throw from Israel!

    Why are Palestinian boys luckier than American boys? Because every Palestinian boy will get to join a rock group!

    A small plane carrying Yassir Arafat and all his top lieutenants crashes and all aboard are killed. Who is saved? The Palestinian people!

    A Palestinian suspect was being grilled by Israeli police. “Honest, I’m not a suicide bomber,” he said. “I didn’t say I wanted to blow myself up so I could sleep with 72 virgins. All I said was I’m dying to get laid!”

    What does the sign say above the nursery in a Palestinian maternity ward? “Live ammunition.”

    A Palestinian girl says to her mommy, “After Abdul blows up, can I have his room?”


  • 2017 '16 '15 Organizer '14 Customizer '13 '12 '11 '10

    A priest had lost his cock (Male hen) and didn’t know where to find it. So at the sermon next day he asked, “Has anybody got the cock?” All the men stood up.

    “No! no! I mean has anybody seen the cock?” All the women folk stood up.

    “No! no! I mean has anybody seen my cock?” All the nuns stood up.
    –----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    An old Jewish beggar was out on the street, begging with his tin cup. A man passed by and the beggar said to the man, “Sir, could you spare 3 cents for a cup of coffee?”

    And the man said, “Where do get coffee for 3 cents?”

    And the beggar said, “Who buys retail?”



  • These are pretty sick…

    Q: Why did the little girl fall off the swing?
    A: Because she had no arms.

    Q: How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?
    A: Pick him up and suck his d*ck.

    EEeeeewwwww…  😞



  • @F_alk:

    @Jennifer:

    Perhaps there’s a reason for the anti-French sentiment found in the world today, CC?

    (1) USA =NOT= world.
    (2) And, you would be surprised. The world does not have an anti-French sentiment. It has an anti-USA-sentiment.

      Even if they determine, through their open minded self examination, that it’s not their fault.  (Much like that geek in elementary school determines that the entire school is picking on him or her for no reason….it can’t be because s/he doesnt fit in, right?)

    Now, read again the corrections to the first and second mistake you made.

    Falk, I wish you would stop with this kind of thing.  Maybe in your socialist world some those people may not dislike the French, but the majority of people do.  This is not something to argue about, you are wrong.  I have met 100s of people throughout the world and almost every single one of them have had nothing nice to say about the French.  Hey, go on an international chat room and ask what people think of the french.

    If you believe otherwise you are living in a fantasy world.  As with anything that does not match what you believe, you go into denial.

    You are also right about people not liking Americans, that’s all fine and good.  But you are insane to think that the vast majority of the world has anything but disdain for the French, and deserevedly so.


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