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Marriage/Kids



  • Hey! I don’t think this has really been brought up here before…but to all you married people (even if you’re not married, feel free to contribute) at what age do you think it is appropriate to get married? Do you think you should wait for a certain age til you have kids? I’m asking because I’m in love with a girl right now, and we’re just making plans and stuff…I’m only 17, but we plan on getting an apartment soon. We can afford it (she’s deaf, and is able to collect a $900 disability check each month). I’ve graduated high school; she still has one year to go (she dropped out not long ago, but is now going back to finish and get her stuff together). I’m taking a university course by mail right now, and am probably going to continue correspondance courses. In the meantime, we’ll each be getting a job (just something simple…fast food places for the time being). After she finishes high school, she definitely plans on getting a university degree. So we’ll have both of our paycheques coming in, plus her disability cheque. We both want kids eventually. Sooo what do you say? How long do you think we should wait til marriage/kids?



  • I’m 16 years old, so I’m not the most credible person in the world. But I think your a bit young. Marriage tax comes into play when you get married, so you might want to wait till your making a little more money.

    My father once said, “There are two good times to get married and have kids. When your 25 and have lots of energy, or when your 40 and have lots of money”



  • no no, we dont plan on getting married right away or anything…still gonna wait a bit, just have no idea how long



  • Put it this way. I’m 30, and not much closer to being married than i was when i was 19. I’ve had a couple of successful careers in between, and i think i’m somewhat emotionally stable. At the same time, i have just not been ready for these things OR the situation did not work for whatever reason.
    The point is this is such a huge committment in my estimation, and there are sooo many things to work out, you might want to get more of your ducks lined up. Are you sure you want kids? Once they’re there, there’s no puttin’ 'em back. At 17 there is soo much to learn and to do before giving yourself a minimum 18 year burden (yes - joy blah blah blah). Anyway, i’d give it a little more time.
    If you’ve worked out all the angles, you’re truly in love etc. then heck - back in the day when 35 was a ripe old age, i’m sure that 17 was time for a large brood of the wee ones.



  • One thing that i think is striking of what CC said:
    you are haven’t lived as long as you will have to care for the kids yet!



  • lol F_alk, true! Don’t get me wrong though…we dont plan on having kids or getting married for some time yet; we know we’re too young at the moment for that! I asked my dad about it, lol he simply said “if you choose one thing of mine that i say to listen to, LISTEN TO THIS. Wait until you’re 30 to have kids. That gives you time to start a career, etc.” Sooo yeah, I dunno! (he had me when he was 28 😉 ) Appreciate the input though


  • 2019 Moderator

    First let me give you a little background on myself. I am 31 years old. I was married when I was 24. I have 2 kids 4 and 3 years old.

    I got married 1 year after I met my wife. 9 months of that time was spent planning our wedding. If I had it to do over I would have waited at least another year. It’s important to completely understand the needs of your partner before you make the commitment. You also need to understand what your partner expects from you and you need make clear what your expectations are. Spend time with each other’s families. In order to know what your partner will be like to be married to observe the way her parents are. That way you don’t feel like you didn’t know what you got yourself into later on.

    I don’t think that it is necessary or even advisable to live together before your married. Don’t get me wrong this isn’t based on some moral code, I believe whole-heartedly in premarital sex. 😛 But I think living together for a time and then getting married changes things and can cause problems in that commitments and expectations when you get married change.

    We started to expand our family when I was 27. I think the decision as to when to have kids is different for different people. I definitely think you should wait until you establish a career. People with kids will always tell you that you should have some. I really think that is like having a swimming pool. People who have one will tell you its great but they fail to mention all the responsibility involved.

    I think the most Important thing to remember is have fun while you can. Be spontaneous before you get bogged down with responsibilities. The one thing I always think of after my life changes is that I wish I would have done more before when I could. Don’t be in a rush, you have another 60 years or more to get to the rest of life.

    Oh, Let me add that over the years I have found that my dad gets smarter and smarter. A lot of the things my dad told me in my teens and twenties that were “just ridiculous”, experience has proven to be pretty sensible.



  • Kudos to cystic_crypt(along with F_alk.)

    Keep in mind that individuals mature at different ages.

    I’m recommending waiting until you are 30. When you are young you think more about yourself(immortal acts of stupidity/spending.) You will have lived a great chunk of your life and made a lot of the significant decisions…religious beliefs, fun, risks, MORE than one job/career change, etc.)

    I was married before graduating college… no idea about the real world… she wanted to play a lot longer than a few years and we were of different faiths(RELIGIOUS BELIEFS MUST BE VERY SIMILAR or when you have kids and they see you believe differently they will often believe NOTHING.) Both of us were at fault.
    Second marriage(near 30) almost failed over $(I think it’s the major reason most marriages fail.) We both had problems with it(se italicized line above.) But we struggled through. Still struggling w/one teenage daughter(I know what you are thinking! :evil: I was a teenaged hormone once,too 🙂 .)

    Struggles make or break a marriage… “In sickness and in health; for better or worse; richer or poorer…” Keep the vows or keep you independence(which is an illusion anyway.)



  • Thanks a lot guys.

    in regards to religion, we’re definitely on the same page with that! Both used to go to church, read the bible, etc., but now we dont believe in any religion at all. We’ve talked about that lots before, so no worries there.



  • @El:

    …RELIGIOUS BELIEFS MUST BE VERY SIMILAR or when you have kids and they see you believe differently they will often believe NOTHING.

    Which implies that you think that (a) not believing in a higher being is equal to not believing anything, and (b) that this is bad……

    I strongly disagree.
    If you can’t accept that your child will grow up to become an individuum (with his/her own choices and opinions), then you maybe should think twice …



  • @El:

    (RELIGIOUS BELIEFS MUST BE VERY SIMILAR or when you have kids and they see you believe differently they will often believe NOTHING.)

    hmmm…but since both of us believe in the same thing (which is nothing, really) lol is that good or bad? My dad isn’t a Christian, my mom is. I grew up with both of them my whole life (well, they got divorced in 1996 or 1997) I believed in God, read the bible, then just quit about 3 years ago for no real reason. lol just got tired of it, and I couldnt make myself believe in it anymore.



  • Marriage is about two things, I’d say: (1) complete dedication to your best and leading partner in life, in other words mutual fulfillment of each of your highest aspirations, talents, traits & ideals – and (2) raising kids – and NOT necessarily in that order!!!

    In other words, if you can make it together through all the trials & tribulations that go with the rewards of child-rearing, then everybody will benefit: the kids, and each of you.

    The really important thing is to ask yourself: What DONT I like about my partner to be? And what do I plan to do about it? I think the answer oughta be, roughly: put up with it!! In other words, realize that you guys really are not going to change one another fundamentally. You will grow, certainly, and mature, etc. – but who you is is who you gonna turn out to be, pretty much.

    As for some magic age, well, once you are in your early 20s, all bets are off and you might as well get on with it!! In the meantime it is nice to be free enough to travel the world, etc., which is much more challenging with infants & toddlers in tow, see!

    Enjoy!



  • Not sure if this relates to the topic at hand since I haven’t read all the posts yet, but I just wanted to say that I think too many people are equating marriage with an automatic “entitlement” to having children. By that I mean they don’t even stop to consider their own economic or financial situation or how it will relate to the children.

    This is applicable to a great number of people, but I’m going to single one group of people out for the sake of example here. We constantly hear about how Mexicans are jumping the border so they can come here and earn money for their family. We hear about how poverty ridden it is south-of-the-border, and about how they need money to feed their family. Now, you tell me…should these people have had children? Absolutely not.

    Well, that’s my 2 cents. My point is simply that marriage does not automatically mean you need to have children. 😞



  • Sheesh! Whether for love, for desperation, or for anything else, it’s fine to have kids. And nobody knows – nobody – where the next Einstein will be born, nor to whom.

    Shall we look at a new person in the world as a liability, or as a potential boon to all?

    Just food for thought… and come to think of it, any immigrant who is actually sending hard-earned pay home to the wife and kids sounds like a pretty responsible type!



  • @ZimZaxZeo:

    And nobody knows – nobody – where the next Einstein will be born, nor to whom.

    nuts to that, I want another Adam Sandler, for when this one dies :)! But nope I think that’s a good point. I’m not saying people should just keep trying and popping out more babies just so their odds are better or anything though, lol. I agree with ya though, nothing wrong with having kids.

    And D:S, I’m sure we all agree with you that “marriage does not automatically mean you have to have children”. Well I hope everyone agrees. If you read the posts, you’ll see that this is more about when a good time is in your life to get married, and when a good time is to have kids (if you’re looking to do both of those things, and you believe you’ve already found the right person.)


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